Looking For That Spark Again

This blog is supposed to be about adoption, but honestly that is about the only subject I have nothing to write about. It’s no exaggeration when I say there has been no activity. I have pretty much been in my own little world lately. Trying not to think about it much, but I see that I am also distant at the same time. Although I have not been thinking about it I don’t feel like doing anything else either. Like playing games with the kids or socializing with Mark or cooking or cleaning. I know that is not good and I need to snap out of it for everyone else’s sake! I guess adopting has been my passion for so long and all of the disappointment has just extinguished the flame. I have GOT to get it back!
I let myself daydream a bit about adoption last night, the way I used to. I tried to get excited about it again. I think I can be, but I have built a wall up and can’t get past that. I could really use some good news, some hope or something right now. Just some contact from someone would be exciting. I never imagined this would be so hard. Of course, during it all I start to question if we are doing the right thing. How could I not wonder? There isn’t much else to think about since nothing has happened. I did find out the first sibling group we were really interested in was matched with a different family. That’s disappointing and sadly the first thing I wonder about is how much money plays a part in this. Do they choose the wealthier families? They say they don’t, but I don’t know if I believe that. If so, why are they so concerned with our finances? We are by no means wealthy on paper, but I don’t think that hinders what kind of parents we would be. Our kids have never gone without and in my opinion are happy and well adjusted. It’s hard to believe that money wouldn’t be a tie breaker on who the best fitting family is. Oh well, that is obviously a personal opinion on my part.
Besides that everything else is going well. The family is all good. We are all healthy and happy. Everyone is excited about the holidays. What more could I want?

Preparing

I was getting ready to write and went back to see what my last post was about and I felt a little embarrassed because I was writing about being depressed this time and last time I put my confident face on and wrote about positive things. Honestly, I’m not still at that place. I’m not surprised though. Next week I will probably be happy again! It’s really taking a toll on me right now and it’s probably a lot of things on top of the adoption; holiday stress, etc. Right now I’m just really depressed about adoption and have a “why bother” attitude. I really wonder why bother? I still get notifications everyday about all of the children that need homes and how to help and how to foster or adopt and it makes me angry. I haven’t watched my Adoption Stories show that I watched like clockwork everyday for about 2 weeks now. I rarely look at the adoption websites and don’t check my email as often. I try to keep myself occupied with other things, but that only works temporarily. I try not to let my bad attitude reflect and I would LOVE to be one of those people that always finds the bright side, that doesn’t get down, but I guess I’m not one of those people. I try! I wonder if I really want to do this. Sometimes I think I should just drop it and move forward with what I have. I almost imagine how good it would feel to tell them “look, we just aren’t interested anymore, we can’t go thru this anymore, we did it long enough”, kind of like HAHA, you missed your chance! But I know that isn’t fair to the kids and it’s not the kids fault, in reality, the system probably wouldn’t feel slighted if we chose to back out. So, what other choice is there? Not much. I wish I had the power to make this process different, to make it easier and more sympathetic to the waiting families, to make it make more sense, and make it easier to encourage people to take on the journey. Honestly, right now, all I can tell people that are thinking about it is to be prepared. It’s hard. More than hard, painstaking. You can’t avoid the disappointments. I knew all this before we started, but I really thought it can’t be THAT bad and I can handle it! HAHA!! I guess there are people that are more equipped to handle the disappointments, but it takes someone made of steel. I see some that appear to just sail through with such grace. I wish that was me. Would I recommend adoption? Of course, how can it be a bad thing? Just be prepared for a long, hard, emotional, exhausting journey that you can’t imagine, you just have to experience. I hope one day I can write about the rewards and joy of going through it and say it was all worth it. I dream of that day!

Focusing on the Positive

Today I want to focus on the positive since the previous posts have reflected my negativity!
Our adoption is not even complete yet it has taught me so much!
Most of all, it has taught me that I can do something independent of what anyone else thinks or says. I have always been so impressionable. If anyone said anything negative about anything it affected my actions and my thoughts, regardless of how I personally felt about something. I am learning to trust my own instincts and believe in myself. No matter how many times I hear we are making a mistake or we should not adopt I am learning to listen to God, who tells me we ARE doing the right thing and we CAN do it. I used to be terrified about the what -if’s, now, I am very at peace with the whole decision. Adoption is a commitment, much the same as making the decision to become a natural birth parent. There are no guarantees even with birth children. They could have medical problems, they could be difficult teenagers, they can follow the wrong path. We pray that they won’t and raise them the best we know how. We are committed to them and love them, no matter what. Making the decision to adopt boils down to your commitment. Yes, so far things have gone smoothly with our own children and we are blessed. Some wonder why we would want to take that risk another time with the addition of more children. Are we pressing our luck? Maybe. Or maybe God prepared us with the wonderful children we have now to be able to take on more. Who knows. Our adoption may continue smoothly as well, but we are committed to handle whatever we are dealt if it does not. We believe the blessings will out- weigh the trials. It is an opportunity for our own children to learn what it means to share, show tolerance, accept, and welcome a stranger into our lives just as we were all adopted into Gods family as we are, regardless of our sins, skin color, likes, dislikes, whether we deserve it or not. We are learning to do things that may not seem “comfortable”, but to make compromises.
We have learned a lot about our friends and family as well as ourselves. I always felt like I struggled to find my place. My desire to do my part, but not being able to find that thing I was supposed to do. I volunteered at church, we were part of the praise team, we taught class, we offered ourselves in any way possible to the church looking for what we were called to do. That was not satisfying that desire. None of that was our ‘calling’. I tried helping open a daycare to provide the love and care to the children and fill a need for working parents that I was passionate about. That did not work out. I was always interested and fascinated with adoption and looked at the websites but never saw it as an obtainable goal for us. I didn't think everyone would approve and didn't think I could do it. Now, I know, this is what we are meant to do. I see adoption as a ministry. I know that adoption is not only what we can offer a child in need, but more importantly what we can learn from them and the process. God is using it to grow us. He is using it to teach us to depend on Him, trust Him and wait on Him. He is using it to teach us tolerance and acceptance. I know it’s not for everyone. Everyone has their own passions. Adoption has taken on a whole new dimension to me over the past year. It has such a deeper meaning now and I hope that everyone will be able to see adoption in a new light, in a positive light, and will step out of their comfort zone to consider something that may have just been a thought in the back of their mind before and act on it. I know I will continue to be weary and frustrated, but I know we still have so much to learn and I know that the child or children that enter our lives will continue to make an impact for many years! Good and bad!

TKO

We went to dinner with a couple of other couples Friday night that are waiting or have already adopted. That was about the last thing I have had to do with adoption since Friday. It was a nice dinner, good company and good conversation, but going into it, honestly, I didn’t even want to talk about anything that had to do with adoption. I was so mentally and physically drained. I knew I just had to get through the evening and then adoption was going to be stuffed far back in the corners of my mind, packed away. The more I think about the process the more angry I get. I think about all the childrens workers and people responsible for finding them families that are spending a nice holiday with their own families while the kids that are waiting for families to spend the holidays with are just sitting in limbo, waiting. It doesn’t seem fair that they are so unorganized and inefficient. I also know it isn’t healthy for me to have such a negative attitude, but it gets harder and harder not to. Right now, adoption has become a source of frustration and exhaustion instead of anxiousness, anticipation and joy. Are there favorites? Do case workers have families they work extra hard for? Families they like and go the extra mile for? It makes you wonder. I have been blessed to find a friend going through the same feelings and the same waiting and frustration that we are. She has been waiting a few months longer than we have. I am wondering if I can even make it as long as she has! At the moment, I don’t even want any of the case workers contacting me unless they have promising news. I know that is not the attitude I want to have, but I am defeated. I feel like we have been knocked out, gotten up, knocked out, gotten up again, over and over again until I just can’t get up anymore. Maybe once I regain my strength, my stamina, my enthusiasm; once the wall comes down and I’m not so cautious, maybe I can stand up again and fight. Fight thru the frustration, impatience, ups and downs and disappointments all the way to the end that once looked so promising and rewarding. The ending that is so hard to imagine anymore, the one that I wonder if it’s worth what it takes to get there.

My Wits End

In adoption I am learning no matter how sure you are that you cover all your bases and try to prevent disappointment or how sure you are that there is nothing that can happen…….you are WRONG. I emailed everyone I needed to email and covered all my bases to make sure our homestudy was sent out and was sure it was done, confirmed it was done and I would hear back by today like I was told. I did know there was a possibility they wouldn’t get back to me today but I was sure my homestudy was out and being reviewed. NOPE. They did contact me today like they said but it was to tell me they never got the homestudy! They got the email about my homestudy, but NO attachment!!! I never in a million years saw this coming. Shock isn’t even the word. Disbelief maybe, who knows. Will this EVER really happen??? We are back at square one with this child. The one I thought the worker was anxious to get back to us on. Obviously, it doesn’t even help for me to follow up and cover my bases. Why bother? You are completely at the mercy of when and how someone else wants to handle your situation, and IF, for that matter! They don’t tell you to expect every single step of the way that SOMETHING will not flow smoothly and that they are not exaggerating. Every step of the way some unexpected curve is thrown into the path! Right now I just want to sit back and do nothing. Just watch the advertisements and the campaigns trying to recruit and encourage more people to consider adoption while I sit, along with many others, and just WAIT. Wait for them to use the families that have already invested the time and hard work. The ones that are ready, anxious and available while they keep recruiting for more people to get in line and start the long, tiring, frustrating process of waiting months and years at their mercy. Feeling like you are being pushed down, poked, let down, and cut in front of just to see how much you can take before you break all the while dangling the beautiful picture of harmony and peace in front of your eyes just out of your reach wondering if you’ll really ever get there.

Hoping for News Soon

On our trip to Austin we got to meet the case workers that work that area. There were only a couple of kids we were interested in. One was a 5 year old girl that almost everyone there was interested in. Its not often they have a young girl ready for adoption. They are usually placed pretty quickly. So, I’m not sure if we will get a call back on her. Her case worker was not there.
The other one we inquired about was one that has caught my eye on the website many times. I never asked about her because she wasn’t what we went into this originally wanting and our case worker said we should stick with our first desire. Well, after running across her pic again and again I finally asked about her. She is 13 and was recently placed in a single mother family and quickly returned into the system. I didn’t ask anymore. I took that as a bad sign.
At the reception in Austin I noticed her name on the list and her case worker was there, so I asked about her situation. The case worker obviously had deep feelings for this girl and really hurt for her. She started to cry when telling us about her situation and the disruption in her adoption not being her fault. The more she said, the more interested I was. It almost became like a challenge for me and wanted even more to give this girl a chance. Maybe I am way too confident in our abilities and that scares me, but Mark feels the same way I do. She doesn’t sound like a bad child, just a teenage girl. I submitted our homestudy on her and the case worker seemed to be really interested in us. I am hoping the rejection and disappointment of the failed placement didn’t cause too much damage. The case worker was going to visit her in the girls home she was temporarily placed in to see where she is emotionally since this happened. I am really hoping for an update from that visit this week.. We will see!

So Close, Yet So Far

So this month is National Adoption Month. There is a big push for foster and adoptive families. I find it really frustrating when I know there are familys just sitting waiting and waiting and waiting some more. I know the majority of the people that are involved in the process truly care for the children and their futures, but somewhere there is a breakdown. I don’t understand the wait or the cost when they are begging families to consider adoption. Maybe I’m just a little frustrated, but right now that’s my feelings. People ask me all the time why it costs so much or takes so long and I honestly don’t have an answer for that. I wish I did. In the meantime, kids are waiting too. Valuable time is being lost while others are in control.
I have written before that I never imagined that we would actually be approved and waiting. I thought other people did it, but never thought we could. Now, I am finding it impossible to imagine the end. I used to be able to picture kids in our family and what it would be like, but now, I struggle to have those images. I’m feeling like maybe it won’t ever happen. I don’t want to be too old. We don’t want to put ourselves through this forever, just waiting. Yes, people say be patient, it will happen and I really want to believe that but I don’t know if I will until it is DONE. I will be 40 in May and ideally I wanted to do it by then. I thought May was plenty of time when we started this in January 09. I guess its Gods plan, not mine. I have been blessed that I have never had to deal with any kind of wait like this besides my nine month pregnancies, and even then, I could see the end. I thought I would go crazy when Ally was 11 days past her due date. Wow, and look now. So close, yet so far. This is such a huge test for me. Sometimes, well a lot of time, I just feel defeated, drained and helpless. Or I am just exhausted from fighting those feelings. Its like voluntarily putting yourself through some sort of torture that you have no control over except to choose to go thru it.
I try not to gripe and complain all the time, but unless you go through it, its hard to expect others to understand the feelings. Some don’t understand why I am so stressed about it and actually I think men handle it better. It is nice to have other women who are going through it to gripe back and forth to so we don’t drive our husbands and friends crazy, but sometimes we have to remember to encourage each other too or we bring each other down further. I have wonderful, wonderful friends and family who have been so very understanding and supportive though and I am so thankful they have put up with me. I bet they are all just as anxious to get this done as I am so I will shut up! LOL.

What I Am Learning

If there is one thing I have learned this year it is to TRUST AND TO ACCEPT GODS WILL. Through all of the frustration I have learned through telling myself God has a plan and I have to wait, no matter how long it is or how hard it is or how much I detest it. There is so much comfort within when you realize the truth in all of that. When you are able to trust and wait and know without a doubt there is a plan even amongst the frustration it is so gratifying. And even if you don’t like the way it turns out you are able to say I know there is a reason. Who knows better what is best for us besides God? We don’t even know what is in our own best interest. There is no way to know. We can make educated decisions, but ultimately we have to trust that God will direct us and will make final decisions. He will show you the great rewards for your obedience and devotion to Him. Things you can’t even imagine.

Passing the time

I have found a great show on t.v. called Adoption Stories on the WE network. It’s on at 5:30 a.m. so naturally I tiVo it! It is a 30 minute show that features a different family every show and a condensed version of their adoption journey. They show the actual people and the adopted child. It is so good! It makes me that much more excited about adopting. I look forward to watching it every day. The kids have watched it too and really enjoy it. I think it really is starting to give them a heart for adoption and helping them understand more our desire to do it.
The waiting can be maddening. I ended up emailing our caseworker and expressed my frustration with the lack of communication. She was very sweet and I got to let off a little steam *smile*.
We are going to a potluck Saturday night for waiting families. Going to a party with a bunch of strangers is definitely not me and Marks “thing”, but I think we are going to go. I just feel like we need to. There is also a “matching party” in San Antonio in a couple weeks, but I think we have decided against going to that. I feel like it would be very awkward mingling with other families and children wanting to be adopted. I would feel like I was competing to “purchase” a child. I don’t think I am comfortable with that situation.
Brendan is getting his new bed today so in actuality we will have three extra sleeping areas! Things are getting crowded but that’s ok! It is not looking like we will be able to share our camping trip with new family members this year. It would have been a lot of fun, but I know our child/children are out there, just waiting and we will get them at the right time. I am anxious to be able to look back and understand why and how things happened the way they did. It will all make so much sense then.
In the meantime, if you get a chance to watch Adoption Stories please do!! It is a great show!

In It For the Long Haul

Well after connecting with several adoptive families I am ready for the long haul. It seems very typical to wait a year after approval. We were just approved in August so I am putting the brakes on my emotions and expecting things to start happening next year. We may get lucky and something will happen sooner, but I’m not going to anticipate it. It is helpful to have people tell me those things so we will know what to expect. I have heard many devastating and disappointing stories and we are ready for it. I was told adoption is not for the “weak”, your emotions will be tested and there will be major highs and lows. I know I may not handle these things WELL, but I know I have to handle them somehow. In the end we will be stronger and God will bless us with the perfect child/children when He thinks we are ready. I should probably apologize now for my ups and downs through-out this next year. I know we will have them. We are willing to wait for the perfect time and match though. Thanks to my new friends for their stories, advice and support!

Children Are A Blessing

I listened to a radio show on adoption today. I am not ever very good about putting my thoughts into words, but they said something that I feel and could never put into words. It made so much sense. I have written a lot before about reactions that I get when people hear we are adopting and how many times I have let others reactions scare me out of adoption. They said you have to overcome the “worldly” view of children and take on a Biblical view. A worldly view perceives children as a burden, too costly. Biblically they are a blessing from God. That is SO true. All the fears people, including myself, have about adoption are based on the worldly view. They are afraid of the cost and the risk. Those were fears of mine. I could never explain the desire I had to adopt. It definitely comes from God. There is no such thing as a child with no risks, adoptive or birth. Nothing guarantees our own birth children won’t get sick or follow a disappointing path in life. We do the best we can and I believe you are always taking a risk with marriage, birth children and adoption. I am not sure how and when the attitude about children turned into what it is now. I will always have in my mind from now on when I fear the unknown in adoption that I have to stop thinking in the worldly view we are trained to apply to life and remember children are a blessing no matter how they find their way into our lives.

Finding Peace

I have prayed for peace a lot lately. When one thing consumes your heart and mind it takes a toll. It’s exhausting and you start to “forget” about other things and lose focus on everything else. I was getting exhausted from thinking and imagining and being excited. Adoption is such an emotional roller coaster. It’s very tiring. God has answered my prayers and I have found some peace. I am sleeping better and He opened my eyes to the fact I still have a wonderful husband and three beautiful kids. I never forgot they were there, my thoughts were just consumed with the new journey in our lives. I apologized to them. Of course I still think of the adoption, we still talk about it and are still anxious about it, but I have enjoyed my time with my family more and have given the frustrations and impatience to God. I know I will still have times that I have those feelings, but it’s amazing to me that God never gives us more than we can handle at one time. He knew I needed peace right now. I am so blessed to have a husband who understands and loves me regardless. I gave the boys haircuts last night and Nick and I had a bit of the evening to ourselves which doesn’t happen often. He makes me laugh and has such a great personality. I love my time with him when we can laugh and connect. The other two went Halloween shopping with Mark. They all three love Halloween and had a great time. Of course my sweet little girl wants all the gory, bloody scars and cuts to make herself scary. She wants to scare everyone on our annual Halloween camping trip. Brendan sticks to his Star Wars theme. So…………… great father/daughter time when Mark gets to apply all the horror to his daughter! LOL…………..gotta love it!

There is an adoption radio program on the radio this afternoon that I am anxious to listen to. I have made a few contacts with other adoptive parents on facebook lately as well. It is helpful to talk to others going thru the same thing. I think the hardest thing about the waiting is the lack of contact, but I am searching for ways to deal with that and common contacts is one way that helps. I think once you are able to let go and put it all in God’s hands is when you get the call. It’s easier said than done, but I’m getting there!

Giving Up Control While Having Faith and Confidence

Before I fell asleep (FINALLY) last night I said a specific prayer for each one of my children (I have to be sure I am not so consumed I forget about the blessings we already have) and also for each one of the group we are hoping to adopt. I had different thoughts running through my mind like I always do trying to figure out some clue on my own of why they should choose us, sizing up the competition, estimating our chances. Of course I come up empty. There are just too many unknowns and I just drive myself crazy. I am sure the other families are just as passionate and just as loving and can offer just as much (or more) than we can. I am realizing the lack of control is maddening. We have absolutely no control over any part of the situation as hard as I try to. It is completely in the hands of others. We are waiting on everyone else and nothing we can say or do at this point will make any difference. So I prayed for wisdom and direction for the case workers as well. I wonder if the fact we are both working parents is a strike against us. I wonder if the fact we already have kids is a strike or a check mark. I wonder if our financial status is a strike or the size of our house or where we live. All they really know about us is what a stranger wrote about us after just a few meetings. I think of things I should have said or included in our homestudy. I should have said we are open to moving to a bigger house or doing whatever it takes to merge as a family. But last night something occurred to me that brought me some peace. I know I WAY over analyze things, but the children’s case worker told me in an email that they received many inquiries on the kids and she was specific to say many of them were out of state and just a few in Texas. In my mind she specified that meaning that being in Texas was in our favor. I don’t think they are supposed to count others out because they are in another state, but the kids may prefer to stay in Texas. I took that as a big check mark in our favor.
I wasn’t going to post this until after a decision was made because I didn’t want to look like a fool. But what the heck, this is what happened and how I felt at the time so……………..I fell asleep and woke up during the night last night. I felt like I had not slept and the kids were really on my mind. I know I had been asleep though. I got this very distinct feeling when I woke up that just made me want to jump up and down with excitement and my stomach was just fluttering. Like I just got the call that we were chosen. I felt a very positive feeling and God telling me those are our kids and that we don’t need to worry. We are the ones! Although I got that distinct feeling I am afraid to go with it. I am still afraid to be so confident. I am afraid of disappointment. But I keep thinking,
but with God all things are possible."Matthew 19:25-27,
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."Matthew 21:21-23.
Every time I started to doubt, those verses come to mind. So, I rolled over and was able to sleep peacefully the rest of the night.
I imagine how we will feel when we get the call or email telling me either yes or no. I have no idea how I will feel or what I will do or say. Every time my phone rings and it’s a number I don’t recognize my heart drops!
If God chooses not to select us for these children, God is still God, and we will move forward. We won’t be angry, question why or doubt the decisions made. We will still place it all in His hands. I went to Bible Gateway today and this was the verse of the day that I read AFTER writing my blog today……..again…………..fitting…………….
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”- Hebrews 10:35-36

Trying to Focus

This is the time of year I get real antsy. I want to stay home and be a mom and wife. I don’t know what it is about this time of year. Maybe it’s because when we homeschooled we would get up and the first thing we did was open the windows and doors. No t.v. the kids would read their books and do their work while I made breakfast. It was so calm and peaceful. I absolutely loved it. So, needless to say, work is a real struggle for me lately. I don’t like whining about it, but sometimes I do *smile*. I wish I enjoyed work like some people do. That anxiousness on top of the adoption anxiousness makes it almost impossible to concentrate on work. I feel like I am pretty useless at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I do my work but it’s forced and we really don’t have a lot to stay busy at the moment. That being said I am still very thankful to have a paycheck.
As far as the adoption, like I said, concentration is hard. I can’t sleep or focus. We are so excited and anxious to hear about the children we have submitted on. We should hear in early October. We are up against many other families so if we are matched I will know it was by God. And maybe I shouldn’t have shared with so many people before it’s more certain, but I have wonderful friends and family that I know will pray with us. I want everyone who has supported us to be a part. We appreciate it so much.
I think we are a perfect match for them, of course. I wonder if every family feels that way? I haven’t gotten this feeling but with one other child that I was too late to even submit our homestudy on before she was matched. I see them fitting so well into our family. I really get a secure feeling that WE are the ones for them. On the other hand, as strong as that feeling is for me, I don’t want to get my hopes up so high. I will be very disappointed if we aren’t chosen. I can tell myself its God’s plan and move forward, but it will be heart breaking. I know others have been waiting much longer than we have. I do want what is best for the kids. I have developed a very nervous habit of picking at my cuticles with all of this going on. They look horrible and I am trying real hard to stop. I guess that’s what waiting is doing to me!

I receive a daily email called Daily Encouragement and today’s passage was about (Matthew 25:40) "When Jesus saw this, He was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these'" (Mark 10:14). "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me". They always conclude with a prayer that I thought was fitting for my day and really defines adoption for me…….
Father, You welcome all to be a part of Your kingdom: the young and the old, the weak and the strong, those born in ideal circumstances and those conceived in the worst imaginable settings. All the days ordained for our lives were written in Your book before one of them came to be. May our welcoming voices and warm touch make an eternal difference to innocent lives born in our hostile world, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Reality

I recently connected with some other parents on facebook that are adopting through the same agency, only to learn they have been waiting 4 month, 12 months, etc. I guess when I complain about it being a month with no word its laughable. It's disappointing. There is a lot of things through the process which have proved to be misleading. But I know I have to pray for patience. I have to remember God's timing no matter how hard it is for me. It has put things in perspective for me even if it is disappointing. These other families were hoping to have children by the end of summer which has come and gone and probably have the same mental deadlines I do now..... by Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. As wonderful as it would be to have someone to share our Christmas I have to realize it is realistic that might not happen.

Taking Risks

To live without risk is not living at all.
I saw that saying today and realized how true it is. I was never a risk taker until about 2005. It all changed. I quit my job of 11 years. Left behind the senority, good benefits and stability. Some might call it stupid instead of risky. I was terrified. I thought about quitting years before I actually did. Once I decided to do it, I did it that very day. I didn’t want anyone talking me out of it. I was tired of making myself sick over the fear and just went for it. It took a lot of encouragement from Mark. He is just the opposite of me, always willing to take a risk. So, although we have struggled a bit since I quit I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am so much happier now and less stressed.
Then we come to adoption. Same situation. I considered it for years and talked myself out of it many, many times. With some urging from Mark we again took the plunge. He has talked me out of quitting several times since the beginning. I realized a long time ago that I was not a risk taker and I’m so glad Mark and I complement each other in that way. I would have missed out on so much by taking the “safe” path. It’s so liberating when you take a risk and you see that things work out and you survived!
And here we are. We are taking a HUGE risk adopting. There are so many unknowns. I still get that reaction from people at times, “OOOHHH, great!” when really you can detect in their voice that they are thinking “You crazy fool! Don’t you have 3 already????”, and some even say that. It still stings a little, but for the most part I am done worrying about what everyone else thinks. Sometimes I stop for a half second and question myself, but overall I am extremely excited. I know things will work out and I shouldn’t expect everyone to understand. Sometimes I even wonder if something is wrong with me. Should I be more afraid, more cautious? Maybe my faith has grown. Maybe it’s that simple. I don’t know what it is, but it is a good thing, and I do know “living without risk is not living at all”.

Finally Some News!

Wow! So I got an email last night from Lubbock saying that one of the inquiries we submitted is going to be chosen the first part of October. Which means, they want to choose a family from the submissions in early October. I sent the request in about a month ago and emailed my agency to make sure they had forwarded our homestudy, which they had not. So supposedly they sent it to Lubbock this morning. I am trying real hard not to get too excited because they haven’t even chosen us as a possibility yet. They are just beginning the process of choosing. I have the picture on my computer at work and say a little prayer when I look at it. I am asking that you please say a little prayer for us that God will lead us in our decision making and the decision making of the case workers. If this one is meant to be, that it is God’s will. I am nervous about the possibility of finally having to make a decision. I don’t want to make the wrong one. I have already decided that once this is completed I cannot continue to look at the adoption websites unless we decide to adopt again. I don’t ever want to have regrets or wish things would have been different. I hate to think I would feel that way, but I think that would be a reasonable fear. I am excited too. Picturing a face of someone who could spend the holidays with us this year is awesome. I am anxious to share my wonderful family and friends!

Looks Can Be Deceiving

I have started to blog several times and just deleted it all because I have no updates. Absolutely nothing. I finally called the agency last Thursday because I thought we were supposed to get something in the mail about our homestudy approval which was August 14. She said yes, it was just signed that morning and would be in the mail Friday morning. I still have not gotten anything. It’s frustrating. I don’t feel like we can be too pushy. We were warned about the waiting and it has only been 4 ½ weeks since our approval. It took longer than that to get the approval. But right now I feel kind of “forgotten”. It feels like it’s just not gonna happen. Like we will end up just throwing our arms up and saying oh well, it didn’t work out for us. I know realistically that’s not the case, but that sure is how it feels. Mark feels like the agency isn’t doing their job. That they should be more proactive. I agree to an extent, but don’t feel like we have a right to complain about it. If we were paying big bucks then I would have no problem telling them how I feel, but we aren’t. Mark and I rarely discuss it because I know he gets irritated that we haven’t heard a word and its just not a conversation I feel like having. I am frustrated too. I try to avoid the subject unless I have news or something. It’s discouraging, but we aren’t letting it interfere with our life. I do still wake up every morning wondering if today will be the day my phone rings, but that’s about as far as it goes. I have it in the back of my mind all day every day, but its behind all the other things going on…………..work, school, kids, homework, dinner, etc. We have three beautiful, healthy kids right now that mean the world to us and that’s what matters.

There is a girl on the adoption website that is around 4 or 5 and absolutely BEAUTIFUL! She has blue eyes and brown curly hair with a big, a fluffy bow in her hair and a huge smile! From the outside she appears to be a normal, happy, healthy child, but when you read her profile it reveals just the opposite. She suffers from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She goes days at a time with very little sleep and has to be supervised constantly. She suffers from ataxia.

Persistent ataxia usually results from damage to your cerebellum — the part of your brain that controls muscle coordination. Many conditions may cause ataxia, including alcohol abuse, stroke, tumor, cerebral palsy and multiple sclerosis.

Obviously, hers is from her mother’s alcohol abuse when pregnant. That is just so sad. It breaks my heart! It also states she cannot be in a home with animals. It makes you wonder why. They don’t tell you that in the profile. It’s so hard to imagine someone who is so small and angelic being a hazard. It just really blows my mind. It makes me want to give a child like that a chance. It makes me wonder if they can overcome any of those obstacles with a family and love. But that’s a risk I can’t take right now. I don’t know if I could ever take that big of a risk. The risk that she may not ever overcome her challenges or lead a normal life. I just don’t know if I could handle it. I admire people who do deal with children like that, either adopted or their own. It’s such a huge, huge sacrifice! And if I didn’t have to work I may consider it more seriously, but it sounds very exhausting. This particular child was on the website for a day before and taken off to just recently be added again. I check the site several times a day *smile*. Makes me wonder if she had been matched and it didn’t work out. I look at her face and try to imagine the things they say being that bad and I just can't. It is just a sad situation all the way around. I just do not understand! Ok, enough depressing stuff. Say a prayer for this baby. I have gone ahead and included her picture because it comes from a public website that anyone can view. Hopefully I won’t get in trouble for adding it !
Hopefully we will hear something from someone soon and I will have a happy update. Like the day we were approved, on Marks birthday! That was a great day!!

Just an Update....

For the most part, we are very content waiting right now, but today is different. Today I feel a little restless and it would be really nice to hear something. To be approached with an option or something. Even a little bitty part of me has had days lately that I didn’t want to hear anything. We are content and happy and I just wanted to enjoy it. I have learned through this process that those feelings are going to come up and they are normal. I just have to know not to jump and react. Those feelings will pass. It makes the waiting easier. Things have seemed a little slow on the adoption websites. I know there are kids waiting that we don’t know about, but its all the red tape that gets things held up. Its sad when there are so many families just waiting and time is just ticking by for these kids. Regardless, I know it will work out.
Brendan and Allison love school right now. I couldn’t be happier! Brendan has never liked school, but says he can’t wait to go back every afternoon when he gets home. It’s obvious that a structured, disciplined school makes a huge difference. He doesn’t have to deal with disruptions in class from bad behavior, the teachers aren’t grumpy and irritable from having to deal with it, and it’s just a happier place to be. He is glad he changed schools this year. I am so thankful I gave it a try and didn’t let my fears keep me stuck in the place we were. Allison has been happier at the middle school so far, but we do plan on switching her if we get the opportunity. Nick is ok with school, but he is in 10th grade and really has to work hard now, so it’s not all that “fun” for him. He has done well too though. Mark is back on days and still adjusting, but it has been better so far.
Sorry things are a little boring right now, not much going on. I try to keep this blog adoption related *smile* otherwise I could go on and on talking about STUFF. So, I will update again soon with any info. Hopefully I will have some news next time!

Still Waiting For the Right One

I look at the adoption websites everyday. I have not been drawn to anyone lately. Some of the kids on those site have been on there for years. They need very special people who can handle their severe medical or emotional needs. I have looked at them even before we decided to go through the process. The case worker has not contacted us with any matches. Sometimes they get some that never make it to the websites and to catch any of them that do not have any major medical or emotional issues you have to catch them on the websites right away. The ones I have seen that I would be interested in are usually not on line for more than a couple days before someone wants to adopt them. I know the right one will show up eventually. It would be nice if it was soon, but I can wait. To be able to find one by Christmas would be wonderful!

Living In a Lonely World

I got an email back today on the girl I inquired about in Florida. Right now I just want to cry. I am so sad for this child. She is so beautiful, sweet and shy looking. She has long dirty blonde hair with a big white bow and white dress on. She has brown eyes and glasses. She really looks like an angel. The case worker told me she has possible schizophrenia! Looks can be deceiving. It makes me so sad for her. That has got to be internal torture. Living inside her own lonely world. What caused it? Was it her circumstances or heredity? Did someone do this to her? She has already had one adoption disruption, which means the family that was going to adopt her said they couldn’t handle it. What a horrible life that poor baby has had to deal with. On top of her mental illness, no one wants her. It breaks my heart. I want to take her and “fix” it. Then I have to humble myself and think what makes me think I can do anything different than anyone else has? I would love to. The challenge doesn’t scare me, but could I? Probably not. Does she even want to be loved? I should have been a case worker. That line of work attracts me and I have a true passion to want to learn and help those kids. The ones that, in reality, I can’t take on at home. I guess what I can do is pray for her. People with schizophrenia can control it with medication and live normally. Hopefully she can find the right family with experience in dealing with the illness where she can live normal, happy, loved, and get the long term help and care she needs. If you pray, please pray for Brianna.

Back To School

No adoption news yet. For someone so impatient I have a real peace about it all (at least for now!). The waiting to be approved was maddening, but knowing we are now, I feel like I can relax and wait. I know I don’t want to rush it and whatever is meant to be will happen at just the right time. I know that our family is meant for someone. I just have to wait until they find us. The girl from Colorado has been on my mind a lot. The one that has a possible family already. I am interested at this time in waiting to see if that works out for her. We are very interested in adopting her. So, for now we continue waiting!
Brendans first day of school went great. With the exception of the rude parents! I don’t care which school my kids have gone to those parents are always there. Why does pick up and drop off time transform ordinary, parents into evil maniacs? It’s just craziness! Brendan seemed to really like it and already made a new friend. He liked his teachers and a lot of them seem to be male which I think is good. Females teachers are great, don’t get me wrong, but I think having a balance is beneficial to the little boys. I may be the minority here but, I don’t really understand the mom’s boo-hooing dropping off their babies at school. Yes, I agree it was a little difficult walking away leaving them in someone else’s hands, but I didn’t cry. I thought something was wrong with me for not crying. I tried to muster up a few tears just to say I cried! My kids were excited to start school. Brendan was more difficult because I thought he was so shy and would have a hard time adjusting, but we did fine. There was a lady just bawling yesterday and when I first saw her I thought “wow, something horrible must having happened” then it hit me……..FIRST DAY, SCHOOL, AHA! Jeez! So anyway, maybe I am insensitive. I don’t mean to be *smile*
They messed up Brendans schedule yesterday, but he was a good sport. I am very optimistic. Then, today, I took him again and we realized he had the wrong schedule AGAIN! I had to get that all straightened out and now he has to start over new today with a new homeroom teacher and new kids. He was not very happy about that because he won’t get to be in class with his friend. I was so sad for him! I just pray this mess happened for a reason and he will have an even better day today! Nick and Allison started today. I already received my first phone call from a school phone, Allison forgot her lunch money already, but aside from that, so far so good! I am anxious to hear about their days.

Offering Your Heart

I searched every adoption website I could find yesterday. I found two girls I was very interested in. I requested information on them, but I have not heard anything back. Patience, patience *sigh*. One of them is in Colorado and the other is in Florida. It’s funny because when we started this we wanted a girl as young as we could find, but under 10 years old max. The two girls I was drawn to yesterday were 11 and 12 LOL. Who knows where this will lead! Allison, Mark and I discussed it yesterday (the boys don’t really care either way, Allison is the one that will share her room), but we are thinking maybe it would be good to adopt one around 11 or 12 first, start looking to move where we will have more room, then adopt younger. I have some questions for my case worker about that first though.

The girl from Colorado is the one I am drawn to the most. I keep going back to her for some reason. I read her short bio and she would fit perfect I think. She even looks like she belongs with us. She is so sweet and pure looking. Her hair is Allison’s color, but her eyes look brown. She is 11 but her picture looks older. It said she loves to cook and help out. She loves swimming and is polite and social and smart. I would post her picture, but I feel kind of weird about that. If she becomes a bigger possibility I might then. Her picture is on a public website though. If you want to contact me privately I will send it to you.
The other girl is in Florida. She is 12, but looks younger. She is also is very sweet looking. She has long, thick, dirty blonde hair and glasses. Very delicate looking. It says she is shy and quiet. She also looks like she would make a good fit with us. I know they don’t fit my original plan, but I got a strong feeling with them. AH, the choices are going to be hard. We are offering our hearts.
Adopting between states can be difficult too, so I don’t know if they will be a viable option. We will see. I still need to sit down with Mark this weekend as well. It’s very hard to have the time to discuss these things while he is on the night schedule. Not much longer though!

Well the case worker just called and answered my questions. She opened more doors for me to think about now. I told her our plan of moving and maybe adopting again and she told me to remain open. We could adopt siblings, then move. I didn’t think they would let us without more room, but she said we could. Hmmm….. I didn’t know. She said she is getting our information ready on the ones we inquired about.

*(Updates as I type. I got a call from Colorado saying the girl I inquired about is on hold for a possible family and to check back in a month to see if she is available. Maybe she’s not the one.)

Allison told me the other day she wanted to go on a mission trip..
She offers her heart to everyone she knows. She watched a video of the highschoolers in her youth group that just got back from Panama. She said “My eyes got all teary It was sad”. She told me those kids were just excited to get new shoes. She also told me about a little girl her group leader saw in an orphanage. She was there because their dad was abusive, but they decided the dad had changed and sent the kids back to them. They are really praying for those kids. I know there are areas like that and we always tell our kids about other kids that would be so thankful to have a meal, a bath, a pair of shoes. Our kids take things for granted, hear our words, but I guess she needed to see it with her eyes. See kids she knew over in the Panama area. I think she might take after me when it comes to compassion for other children. It really touched her heart. She is the one that urged us to get in to church and she also is responsible for a large portion of the prompting to adopt. She is going to play a major role in this. I am anxious to see where God leads her in life. Not only her, of course, but all my kids. I’m a proud momma *smile*!!!

The Unattainable

It’s funny how people have pictured what the child we adopt will look like. My mom said she pictured us with a little blonde haired, curly headed girl. I picture totally opposite. Dark, long brown hair. I will have to see if Mark has pictured anything. Of course we don’t know what he, she or they will look like and we are not making a decision based on what they look like. But it is interesting what people think and waiting to see how it turns out. I saw a family of five kids, yes FIVE, that I was drawn to, but obviously we don’t have the room. It’s funny the ones I have been drawn to have been groups of siblings. If we had the room that is what we would do. I am going to burst when we get our first match. It will be so exciting, and to think that it could happen at any minute of any day is amazing. I can’t believe we made it through the “process” so far. It’s a major accomplishment just getting to this point. I didn’t think I had the patience to do it. I wasn’t patient, but I did survive! It was always a thing I thought about often and really didn’t think it was possible for us. I don’t know why, I just figured it was something I wanted, but it would never happen. Mark and I adopt? No way, it would never happen. It will always just be a dream. I would tell people the rest of my life “yeah, I always wanted to adopt, but never did”. Well, here we are! Entering a life I never really expected. It was kind of one of those “it happens to others, but will never happen for me”. All it took was motivation and action to get it started. Why it seemed unattainable to me, I am not sure. Now I just wonder why more people don’t do it. I am sure they have the same fears I did. It’s just a matter of researching and realizing most of the fears are just that, fears! You would be surprised at what you might learn. We can’t be driven by fear. That has kept me from so much before and doing this is such an accomplishment for me. Over-coming my fears and not letting others influence what I know is in my heart. I have thought a lot about WHY I have a heart for adoption. I hope it doesn’t come across that the family I have is not enough, that I need more, because that is not the case. I am completely fulfilled. I love my family and I am very proud of them. They are more than enough. I am truly blessed and I know this. I have great kids, boys and a girl. I’m not missing a thing, BUT in ways I do feel sometimes that we are not done. Our family is not complete yet. It sounds like a contraindication, but it’s not. I think God has placed adoption on my heart. He is telling me we are not finished yet. We still need to build our family. Although I am content, I do get that feeling of not being finished, and it’s from God. I know that. As well, it’s not just me. I feel my kids and husband are still ready to share their life with more. We are all content, but we are all not finished yet! We are anxious to continue on the journey.

Prayer Works!

My Life Books are finished!! Thanks to my awesome friend! I am so lucky to have great friends. She spent her Monday AND Tuesday night at my house helping put together our books. We talked a lot of the time too, but it was wonderful. It probably would have taken me all week to finish them alone.
My prayer at the moment Is that I can find a job possibly working from home or maybe just that our finances would allow me to cut back on hours at my current job so I can dedicate more time to my kids AND the adjustment of a new child. I would like to be able to provide some sort of stability and security to our new addition. It’s a very important part of bringing a child into a new life and new environment. I hate to have to be away at work the majority of the week. I know we will manage with whatever situation we have to adjust to, but please join me in this prayer!! It would be an extra blessing if I were able to devote more of my time to the lives of not only my own children, but to one that is probably yearning for someone to invest in their life. I know prayer works! And of course, pray that God will lead us to the child that is waiting for our family. I know there is one that was meant to be part of our family. Pray that Mark and I will know when that one (or more) is presented to us and that we will make good choices at just the right time.
Talk about God knowing what lies ahead in our lives...................... I talked to our kids dentist Friday about sending me a receipt for our flex plan and they mentioned we had a credit for $144.00 on our account from our insurance and they would mail it Monday. That same night we had an issue with one of our dogs and had to take her to the Emergency Vet. Guess how much our bill was? $143.00!!!! Otherwise, paying that bill would have really hurt! He provides!!

Today is another busy day. I have another school orientation today and I am dropping off my Life Books at the Agency and then church tonight! Busy, busy, busy…………Just the way I like it! Hope life is good for you! More updates soon!

I Can Breathe Again!

I feel such a weight lifted from my shoulders. Just knowing we are approved was a huge release of anticipation. I feel peaceful and motivated now. I feel like I can do anything. We have to make 3 Life Books for our case worker. Life Books are just a small scrapbook, about 7 or 8 pages, of our family, holidays, pets, fun stuff, or whatever we want. The case worker will give our book to other case workers looking for families for kids. If the child is old enough and is one we have showed interest in then they will get to look at the Life Book as well. We were told to make them as if a child will be viewing them. So it needs to be simple and fun. The child we adopt will get to keep the Life Book. I used to scrapbook, but soon got bored with it and have not done it in years. I started our Life Book when we had our homestudy and haven’t picked it up since. It’s been sitting in my living room for 2 ½ months incomplete. I just didn’t have the motivation. I think I can muster some up now! I didn’t realize I needed to make three of them so it will take a little time, but I hope with the kids help I can get it done tonight. It’s so hard to just pick a few pictures to represent our family. That is the hardest part. There are so many I want to use, but have to narrow it down. Heck, just pictures of all our animals are hard to squeeze on one page!
I have already sent a request for information to our case worker this morning for a child. I am not sure of her age. It says she is in 2nd grade, but according to her date of birth she should be in 5th grade. She looks about 7 or 8. I am not sure if that’s the case or it’s a typo. She is in Colorado. I would like to stay in Texas, but we did have an interest in this little girl. We will just have to see. Based on the minimal information at the moment it is hard to know.

We are very relaxed and excited…………….at this point! We had a great weekend and appreciate all of the support, excitement, congratulations, kind words and words of encouragement we received from everyone. It means so much to us!

FINALLY!!

WE ARE APPROVED!! On Mark’s birthday! What a relief!!! Now we wait again, but it is such a relief to have that part behind us! She said right now for what we are requesting we may wait a little bit. Apparently, everyone wants girls. She currently has two families waiting for about the same thing we are. I think I can handle this part. She said they will send us a report every six weeks on how many cases we were recommended for and any other activity. Hearing the “six weeks” part scared me, but we can do this! We will wait for the right thing at the right time!! Now, every call we get will be an important one!

Time Flies: Another Week Gone By

Not a word yet. Not even a response. I emailed a different worker today. Maybe I will hear from someone. I could pick up the phone and try to call them, but as I was thinking about that today I realized I am afraid to. I am afraid of what they are going to tell me at this point. I could be completely off base, but I picture them scurrying around trying to decide what they are going to tell me. How they are going to tell me we are not approved or how they are going to tell me “Oh, we discovered we can’t find your homestudy. It has been misplaced. We will have to rewrite it and send it again.” I will absolutely be crushed!!!
I finally got to see Mark for a little while yesterday. We just sat on the back porch swing for a while before he went to work. It was nice. He said he kind of just put the adoption on the back burner and we would hear from them eventually. That’s not so easy for me. Once I left work yesterday I was ok. Brendan can always cheer me up. He had to go to the allergist and then he finished the work day with me at the office. My thoughts after that were mostly trying to come up with something for Marks birthday today. I rack my brain every year. I want to come up with something creative, but I don’t ever have much luck. It may be easier if there were unlimited funds to do that *smile*, but there isn’t. So, I’m still thinking. I have until tomorrow since he has to work on his birthday. I will come up with something! Mark and I rarely celebrate birthdays too much anymore. I want to this year, so we will see what I can do.

One more week until school starts. Life is going to get crazy soon. I can’t believe how quickly the summer flew by. I hope I can get enrolled in school while I am in “proactive mode”. I am ready to accomplish something! Everything in my life right now seems to be in transition and waiting. I can say it’s not boring. I dislike “boring” more than “waiting” I think.

And here we are, another week has gone by. I’m looking forward to family time this weekend. I’m starting a new backyard project. After putting in our pond, that I absolutely love, we are taking it out. It attracts too many snakes and mice. So, I had to choose. Do I want a pond with snakes and mice or no pond? I think I choose no pond.

God please give me peace and patience to continue my waiting and wondering!

Remembering Peace

Although I didn’t sleep well again, I feel like I woke up in a little better mood this morning. I think going home early yesterday helped because I wasn’t sitting in front of my computer just waiting for an email from the case worker. I find myself just sitting here waiting for an incoming message and hoping it’s from her. Lately I have struggled being at work and I now think that is why. I drive myself crazy all day waiting for email then I am disappointed at the end of the day when I don’t get the one I’m waiting on. I have to constantly remind myself to picture "peace". I saw this picture and it is so true! Isn't it such a peaceful feeling to hold a sleeping child. I miss rocking my babies to sleep!
I decided to be proactive today. I emailed her first thing this morning and asked if she heard anything yet. It was Tuesday when she said she would check and let me know. Its Thursday now, I think that is pretty patient to give her until today. I haven’t hounded her at all. It’s already lunch time and she has not responded. Plus, going to church last night helped as well. I find peace at church. Like I said in a previous post I could sit in silence, alone at church for a very long time. I got to spend quality time with my two oldest. There was no youth service last night. We had a special speaker on Discipleship. The very first thing the speaker started out saying was he was originally from Fort Worth. He was born at an Adoption Agency and adopted at 2 weeks old. Guess what? It was the very same agency we are using………….AGAIN. If you read my posts regularly you know this has happened to me more than one time. Is that coincidence? Hmmm? Before we decided to adopt I never ran into anyone that I can remember that was associated with that agency!

I have hardly seen or spoken to Mark this week. He is coming when I am going and vice versa. It’s hard and maybe part of the reason subconsciously I have been “down” lately. This is a journey we are on together and we haven’t been “together” much. I can’t wait till he goes back to the day schedule. He has some extra incentive to nudge his boss because he was asked to play hockey on a team on Friday nights. If you know Mark, IT’S HOCKEY, he will make sure he can be there. I figured my complaining was enough, but I guess he needed an extra incentive LOL. I am glad he gets to play again. It’s been years and it’s something he loves. Plus it’s a Friday night so me and the kids might actually get to go this time!
Well, I have gotten a few emails since I started this post, but not from the case worker *sigh*. It will be ok, right? Right. Hope everyone has had a good week. I will update with any news.

Goin' With the Flow

I couldn’t sleep again last night. I guess it was because I was so restless yesterday. I had another (the 2nd) dream the other night that we were told we were not approved for the adoption. I can’t remember the details of this one though. I just remember being mad after I read our home study and felt like our case worker painted an inaccurate picture of our family, but that’s all I remember.
The case worker has my work email address so once I leave work for the day I feel lost, like I am going to miss her email. She does have my number and hopefully would call, but normally we correspond by email. I am leaving work early today to register Nick for school so I will be surprised if we hear anything before I leave today. Then I plan on going to church tonight. I guess that’s really where I need to place my focus right now, and always, as far as that is concerned. I know I sound like a complete mess and I feel that way too, but I don’t think anyone else looking in from the outside can see it. I am functioning as normal, kinda. My writing is just how I’m feeling on the inside. Things others would never know, unless you read this. LOL. It’s ALWAYS in the back of my mind. Right now I can’t even daydream about finding the perfect fit for our family. It just makes me more anxious and excited. I am in robot mode right now. Just goin’ with the flow! I rarely even bring up the adoption in conversation unless someone else brings it up first. I appreciate when people do bring it up. It shows they care and are supportive. There are some that even seem to ignore the issue intentionally and that hurts. There are some that act like they don’t want to talk about it. I don’t understand it and I wish I could write about it, but I don’t want to address anyone personally on here. It does hurt me, but I try to understand. It scares me because I don’t know what it will be like after the fact with the ones that don’t seem to want to talk about it now. It can’t be ignored then. I have a feeling this child, whoever she, he or they are, is going to change a lot of lives in many different ways. Hopefully in a good way!

When Will We Reach the Top?

I never got a reply from our case worker from yesterday so I emailed her again after lunch today. She emailed me back and said she would “check into it”. So far, that’s all I have gotten back. At least this time she said she would check into it instead of “no, haven’t heard anything, I will let you know.” I hope it’s not bad news since we haven’t heard anything. Maybe she is afraid to tell us we were not approved. Who knows. I haven’t been in a very good mood lately though and I apologize for that. I know I shouldn’t worry, I should have patience, but I am really struggling with it. I heard a sermon about “wanting” and begging God for things. Even things that may be for good. The lesson was more or less, be careful what you wish for, sometimes you get more than what you bargain for. I am trying to apply that to my situation now. God wants us to want Him and He is enough. He knows what is best and doesn’t want to hear our begging and “wanting”. I know I “want” to adopt. We have wanted it for a while. I know it’s a “good” thing. Maybe He knows something we don’t. So, in the meantime I’m trying to just “let it go” for now. But I’m not in a great mood. I don’t know what I will do if we find out we aren’t approved after all this work, time, and waiting. I will have to deal with it. I have not been very focused on anything else. I feel like I am walking around in a fog, the unknown. I missed the 10th grade registration. That’s the first year I have ever missed a registration for one of my kids. I will get him registered, but late of course. I haven’t wanted to cook, but I have. I know that’s a chore no one really WANTS to do but it has taken some extra effort lately. I will be ok, I am just ready to get over this hump. Actually, it feels more like a huge mountain and I am so ready to reach the peak. Each days end feels like another reach for the top, one more step, pulling myself up, muscles sore and weak in an effort to reach the peak. And I cannot see the top. I am just left wondering if this one reach will be the last reach before I can pull myself up to the top and let out a sigh of relief.

Staying Busy

I emailed our case worker first thing this morning to find out what our status is. No response yet *sigh*. I debated blogging today because I am still not Ms. Positive. I don’t want to keep whining. BUT, it’s a kind of “therapy” for me to write. One day I may need to tell of our adoption experience to someone interested and this is part of the process. The disappointment and waiting. I feel like we have been patient, considering. I tried to stay busy this weekend doing stuff around the house. I finally got motivated to clean my truck inside and out. THAT is a chore when your family lives out of the car a lot of time. Eating on the run, etc. I went walking with a friend Friday night, school shopping Saturday and did family haircuts Sunday. Then before you know it, it’s time for Monday again! And here we are, Monday! Not much going on this week yet. Marks birthday is Friday so I need to start thinking about what I am going to do for that day! That’s about it! Hope everyone has a great week!!!

Do You Think I'm a Worrier?

So, it’s Friday. Another week behind us. I am happy it’s Friday, but it’s bittersweet. I still have not heard anything from our case worker. I am beyond being impatient. I am just discouraged about it right now. At the point where I am just ready to forget about it. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to adopt but I’m ready to just erase it from my mind. When it happens it happens. Then again, I don’t want them to put us on the back burner because we are patiently waiting. It’s like waiting for a response on a job. You wonder if you should act interested and call or leave them alone. Overly anxious or not interested enough? I am upset it’s been 4 weeks longer than they said to expect, but what do you do? My hands are tied and there is nothing I can do. Very frustrating.
I was finally forced to make a decision on Allisons school. She did not get into the charter school and public school registration was Wednesday. I am not happy with the public middle school and we were down to deciding whether to homeschool this year or take a chance with the public school again. Allison and I were really stressed about it. We thought we knew homeschooling was the way to go and felt very comfortable with it, but the more we talked we ended up changing our mind about an hour before registration. Of all of my kids she is the one that NEEDS socialization. She planned on being in athletics and she is in National Junior Honor Society this year. She was excited about that. I was torn. I know we could provide just as good, if not better education at home (even working), I could save money on school uniforms, I wouldn’t worry about the “crap” that goes on in the school. I have a dear, sweet friend who homeschools and offered her help, not to mention the convenience. It was very hard for me to decide not to homeschool because that is my preference and it seemed like a "given" to me, but ultimately we decided to give public a try again. She is just at such a critical point being in 8th grade. She will enter high school next year and middle school was my real concern. We can always withdraw her this year if needed. It’s going to be a crazy year with all three kids going to different schools again and Brendan at a new school with new kids, teachers, etc. We will need prayers. I stress about these decisions and pray I make the right ones.

I messed up my application for financial aid to go back to school myself so I have to wait for a form in the mail before I can proceed with that. I’m looking forward to that.

I had an appointment with my dermatologist yesterday and had a spot removed to biopsy. I think it will be ok, but it’s always scary. Especially when you lay out with baby oil and iodine on your roof when you are a teenager LOL. I go back to the doctor August 19. I went in for my face breaking out and decided to have him look at a spot I noticed. I have seen 2 different dermatologists before and this one was easier to get in to see. I saw him SIX years ago. I was surprised he was still in practice because he is OLD! He was old six years ago! When I showed him the spot he decided to remove it. RIGHT THEN! I was thinking I would have to come back or something. I had no preparation. He pulled out the needle and scissors and before I had time to think his shaky hand is ready to poke the needle under the skin in my neck!! I have had a spot removed before, but not by him. He is OLD!! I was nervous! He shakily stuck me with the needle and immediately grabbed his SCISSORS to cut the spot out. I thought he didn’t even give it time to numb, but luckily I didn’t feel a thing! He snipped it right off. Seemed so routine for him. It happened so quick with little time for me to think about it. He asked lots of questions that seemed irrelevant to me. You wonder if its small talk or important stuff. He asked if my husband was healthy, if my kids were all healthy. I’m thinking WHY??? does that matter ? Is he going to have to be healthy to take care of them when you tell me I have skin cancer???? LOL *sigh* That’s me and my thinking, typical! Anyway, hopefully everything comes back fine there!
Good news is they are talking at work like Mark will get his day schedule back at the end of this month! I am praying that happens! I will feel married again! It was nice having him around. We were finally learning to function like a family after years of night schedules.

Which Way do I Go?

I have a lot on my mind lately. Some of it I am not quite ready to blog about, but I will eventually. When I am content and secure in the direction I am supposed to go. Life can be so hard. It’s up to me to make decisions that are going to affect more people than just yourself. My kids depend on me to make good decisions. I am not confident in my own decisions and look to God for direction. I have a hard time with that though. Sometimes I don’t know if it’s just me that wants something bad, therefore I THINK God is leading me that way. Or is it really Him directing me? It’s hard for me to clear my mind and just listen. How do you really know it’s God’s will and not your own? I am still trying to learn that. When I try to go to God for direction I start looking for everything that happens to be an indicator one way or the other on what I should do. The only thing I can absolutely say that it is Gods will and not my own is the adoption. The reason I know that is because there have been so many times I wanted to back out. So much frustration that it would be easier just to say forget it. I have had people try to discourage me from it. I have been afraid of it. But each time I am led right back to the place I am at and something inside of me reassures me that it will be ok and to push forward. In our adoption class they even told us when you run into road blocks DO NOT take that as a sign from God that it isn’t the right thing for you to do because everyone WILL run into some sort of road block along the way. I’m glad they said that because the way I am, that’s EXACTLY what I would have done by now. When we had so much trouble with our doctor I would have said Ok this is a sign, God is trying to put the brakes on this!! LOL. That’s the way I am. With everything else I need God to just send me a letter telling me what to do, send me a text, call me up or just hit me over the head with it. I am not good “figuring it out”. Does that mean I don’t listen? I don’t have enough faith? I’m not sure, maybe both. I really want to learn how to listen harder and have more faith. I want to KNOW the path I should take. I’m glad I at least have peace in our adoption decision. It has now been 2 weeks TODAY that the case worker told me it would be about 2 more weeks before we hear anything. *sigh* Hopefully it will be GOOD news SOON. I am ready to be energized and encouraged!

Friends

Well , I wish I had some interesting, fun, exciting thing to write about today, but I don’t. I’m still doing my favorite thing, waiting! It’s really wearing on me. I have applied for financial aid, waiting on the decision on that. I am waiting for adoption news. I am waiting on a call from my bank. I am even waiting on a book I ordered in the mail. I know what happens when I am impatient. I usually don’t get the answer I am hoping for! So I try to stay occupied. I have tried to reconnect with friends a lot more lately. I realize how important friends are and that I was not a very good friend growing up. I let “boys” come between me and almost every one of my friends. Boys always mattered more. I was not a happy person for a long time. And that resulted in negative effects on all my relationships.

“If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.” Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Boy, what a mistake that was. I have discovered some of the most caring, amazing, incredible spirits in my friends. I am so thankful they are still around to give me another chance to be a better friend. It’s funny how most of us can mentally go through our lives in our mind and name certain people throughout our lives that influenced us in one way or another. A lot of them probably don’t even know they played such a big part in our life.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Ann Richards

I have been lucky to have certain ones come back into my life. I hope I can be a better friend and let them know the important part they played in my life.

“A true friend is the most precious of all possessions and the one we take the least thought about acquiring.” La Rochefoucauld

I am so thankful for amazing friends. I hope I teach my kids how important friends are and to nuture those friendships for a lifetime!

Check One Off the List

I am really disappointed today. Allison is still #29 on the waiting list for the charter school. I really wanted to get her out of the public middle school. She may be accepted later in the year but this is her last year at the middle school and I am not sure that I want to move her once she starts high school. *sigh* I guess I have to find a way to deal with the disappointment. I am tempted to home-school her for the next year but I have already taken her out of school to do that once before. I don’t know what to do! I have applied for financial aid myself. I am hoping to continue my own schooling. I have a lot going on, which is fine. I like it that way, but I don’t want to limit Allison because I have too much going on myself.……Well, time to set the gears in my head in motion, as well as stay positive!
I have writers block now. I’m letting the disappointment cloud my thinking! That’s all for now, maybe I can write more later…………………………………

*SIGH*

Well, its been 7 weeks since our homestudy. I am at "that" point today. I'm tired of waiting. I'm ready for something, anything! Nothing has happened in those 7 weeks except waiting and wondering. I know it probably doesn't sound like a long time, but it feels like eternity to me. There is nothing I can do to speed it up or make it go faster. I try to stay positive, but today its finally worn me down. I know in the big scheme of things it will happen eventually and at the right time. And I know its not that big of a deal that it happens quickly, but everyone knows what its like to be anxious, excited, waiting, anticipating, only to have another day come and go with nothing! *sigh* I will be ok of course. I just need to gripe and vent a little. I guess I have plenty of house cleaning and lawn work to keep me busy this weekend while Mark is working! Heaven knows there is always plenty of that! I did email the case worker today and there was no new news. Boo! So........... on to another week. Thanks for listening to my venting!

Its So Clear

I usually don't post twice in one day but I have to post about this.
Brendan went to a friends house tonight and called me at 9p.m. to come pick him up. It takes me about 4 or 5 minutes to drive where I need to pick him up. I got in the car and turned up the radio. It was on 94.9 and the DJ was just finishing up talking and said "We are on tonight talking about ADOPTION! We want callers to call in and tell us of their adoption experience." The caller they took was an adopted adult. She told how her parents could not have children and adopted her and her brother. She just found out she was not able to have children and talked to her "mother" about her experience. Her mother told her how the grandfather didn't think he could love children that were not "his". He ended up loving them, of course, and said before he died that he never knew they weren't "his". She ended by saying if anyone is thinking of adopting and has those fears please consider following through and receive the blessings!!!! Brendan had gotten in the car by this point and I was trying so hard not to just BREAK DOWN! I didn't want him to think his mom was totally insane *ha*!! I was pretty overwhelmed hearing that. I felt like it was just one more indication RIGHT IN MY FACE, DIRECTLY TO ME that we are doing the right thing and not to be afraid........................I got home and came in the house and turned on the radio and the very next caller was adopted from the SAME adoption agency WE are using!!!! AWESOME!

Restlessness

I couldn’t sleep last night. I was suddenly filled with anxiousness when I was lying in bed to go to sleep. I felt like maybe something big was going to happen today. Nothing has happened yet, maybe it was just a sixth sense detecting the storms that headed our way early this morning. Who knows, but I could not clear my mind to sleep. We will see how the day plays out!
I have never been into politics. I know I should care more than I do. It’s part of what is shaping the my children’s future. I did pay more attention to the election this year, but even more recently I heard something very disturbing. Obama is really pushing his health care bill right now. It is an 1100 page bill. Imagine having to read through that. Imagine the elected officials that DO NOT read through it, but pass it anyway. Thankfully, some have been reading it carefully and have slowed it down a bit. If the healthcare bill is passed then taxpayers, including pro-life taxpayers, will be funding abortion with their tax dollars. They do not use the word “abortion” in the bill, but it is covered under topics like “reproductive planning”. Scary!
We missed our reading time last night. We had church instead, much needed though! We had a missionary from Egypt speaking last night. It was very interesting and coincidental because I have been learning a lot about the Muslim religion lately. It is very eye opening. I am fascinated with life and religion of other nationalities.
I know I write a lot and probably bore a lot of you! Sorry if I do, this is a type of diary for me and I get side-tracked sometimes from the reason I started the blog…………..the adoption updates. But right now, I am trying to occupy my mind so the waiting doesn’t drive me nuts!!! Soooo, please excuse my idle rambling (*smile*) while we wait for the exciting times!