Preparing

I was getting ready to write and went back to see what my last post was about and I felt a little embarrassed because I was writing about being depressed this time and last time I put my confident face on and wrote about positive things. Honestly, I’m not still at that place. I’m not surprised though. Next week I will probably be happy again! It’s really taking a toll on me right now and it’s probably a lot of things on top of the adoption; holiday stress, etc. Right now I’m just really depressed about adoption and have a “why bother” attitude. I really wonder why bother? I still get notifications everyday about all of the children that need homes and how to help and how to foster or adopt and it makes me angry. I haven’t watched my Adoption Stories show that I watched like clockwork everyday for about 2 weeks now. I rarely look at the adoption websites and don’t check my email as often. I try to keep myself occupied with other things, but that only works temporarily. I try not to let my bad attitude reflect and I would LOVE to be one of those people that always finds the bright side, that doesn’t get down, but I guess I’m not one of those people. I try! I wonder if I really want to do this. Sometimes I think I should just drop it and move forward with what I have. I almost imagine how good it would feel to tell them “look, we just aren’t interested anymore, we can’t go thru this anymore, we did it long enough”, kind of like HAHA, you missed your chance! But I know that isn’t fair to the kids and it’s not the kids fault, in reality, the system probably wouldn’t feel slighted if we chose to back out. So, what other choice is there? Not much. I wish I had the power to make this process different, to make it easier and more sympathetic to the waiting families, to make it make more sense, and make it easier to encourage people to take on the journey. Honestly, right now, all I can tell people that are thinking about it is to be prepared. It’s hard. More than hard, painstaking. You can’t avoid the disappointments. I knew all this before we started, but I really thought it can’t be THAT bad and I can handle it! HAHA!! I guess there are people that are more equipped to handle the disappointments, but it takes someone made of steel. I see some that appear to just sail through with such grace. I wish that was me. Would I recommend adoption? Of course, how can it be a bad thing? Just be prepared for a long, hard, emotional, exhausting journey that you can’t imagine, you just have to experience. I hope one day I can write about the rewards and joy of going through it and say it was all worth it. I dream of that day!