So Close, Yet So Far

So this month is National Adoption Month. There is a big push for foster and adoptive families. I find it really frustrating when I know there are familys just sitting waiting and waiting and waiting some more. I know the majority of the people that are involved in the process truly care for the children and their futures, but somewhere there is a breakdown. I don’t understand the wait or the cost when they are begging families to consider adoption. Maybe I’m just a little frustrated, but right now that’s my feelings. People ask me all the time why it costs so much or takes so long and I honestly don’t have an answer for that. I wish I did. In the meantime, kids are waiting too. Valuable time is being lost while others are in control.
I have written before that I never imagined that we would actually be approved and waiting. I thought other people did it, but never thought we could. Now, I am finding it impossible to imagine the end. I used to be able to picture kids in our family and what it would be like, but now, I struggle to have those images. I’m feeling like maybe it won’t ever happen. I don’t want to be too old. We don’t want to put ourselves through this forever, just waiting. Yes, people say be patient, it will happen and I really want to believe that but I don’t know if I will until it is DONE. I will be 40 in May and ideally I wanted to do it by then. I thought May was plenty of time when we started this in January 09. I guess its Gods plan, not mine. I have been blessed that I have never had to deal with any kind of wait like this besides my nine month pregnancies, and even then, I could see the end. I thought I would go crazy when Ally was 11 days past her due date. Wow, and look now. So close, yet so far. This is such a huge test for me. Sometimes, well a lot of time, I just feel defeated, drained and helpless. Or I am just exhausted from fighting those feelings. Its like voluntarily putting yourself through some sort of torture that you have no control over except to choose to go thru it.
I try not to gripe and complain all the time, but unless you go through it, its hard to expect others to understand the feelings. Some don’t understand why I am so stressed about it and actually I think men handle it better. It is nice to have other women who are going through it to gripe back and forth to so we don’t drive our husbands and friends crazy, but sometimes we have to remember to encourage each other too or we bring each other down further. I have wonderful, wonderful friends and family who have been so very understanding and supportive though and I am so thankful they have put up with me. I bet they are all just as anxious to get this done as I am so I will shut up! LOL.