TKO

We went to dinner with a couple of other couples Friday night that are waiting or have already adopted. That was about the last thing I have had to do with adoption since Friday. It was a nice dinner, good company and good conversation, but going into it, honestly, I didn’t even want to talk about anything that had to do with adoption. I was so mentally and physically drained. I knew I just had to get through the evening and then adoption was going to be stuffed far back in the corners of my mind, packed away. The more I think about the process the more angry I get. I think about all the childrens workers and people responsible for finding them families that are spending a nice holiday with their own families while the kids that are waiting for families to spend the holidays with are just sitting in limbo, waiting. It doesn’t seem fair that they are so unorganized and inefficient. I also know it isn’t healthy for me to have such a negative attitude, but it gets harder and harder not to. Right now, adoption has become a source of frustration and exhaustion instead of anxiousness, anticipation and joy. Are there favorites? Do case workers have families they work extra hard for? Families they like and go the extra mile for? It makes you wonder. I have been blessed to find a friend going through the same feelings and the same waiting and frustration that we are. She has been waiting a few months longer than we have. I am wondering if I can even make it as long as she has! At the moment, I don’t even want any of the case workers contacting me unless they have promising news. I know that is not the attitude I want to have, but I am defeated. I feel like we have been knocked out, gotten up, knocked out, gotten up again, over and over again until I just can’t get up anymore. Maybe once I regain my strength, my stamina, my enthusiasm; once the wall comes down and I’m not so cautious, maybe I can stand up again and fight. Fight thru the frustration, impatience, ups and downs and disappointments all the way to the end that once looked so promising and rewarding. The ending that is so hard to imagine anymore, the one that I wonder if it’s worth what it takes to get there.