Giving Up Control While Having Faith and Confidence

Before I fell asleep (FINALLY) last night I said a specific prayer for each one of my children (I have to be sure I am not so consumed I forget about the blessings we already have) and also for each one of the group we are hoping to adopt. I had different thoughts running through my mind like I always do trying to figure out some clue on my own of why they should choose us, sizing up the competition, estimating our chances. Of course I come up empty. There are just too many unknowns and I just drive myself crazy. I am sure the other families are just as passionate and just as loving and can offer just as much (or more) than we can. I am realizing the lack of control is maddening. We have absolutely no control over any part of the situation as hard as I try to. It is completely in the hands of others. We are waiting on everyone else and nothing we can say or do at this point will make any difference. So I prayed for wisdom and direction for the case workers as well. I wonder if the fact we are both working parents is a strike against us. I wonder if the fact we already have kids is a strike or a check mark. I wonder if our financial status is a strike or the size of our house or where we live. All they really know about us is what a stranger wrote about us after just a few meetings. I think of things I should have said or included in our homestudy. I should have said we are open to moving to a bigger house or doing whatever it takes to merge as a family. But last night something occurred to me that brought me some peace. I know I WAY over analyze things, but the children’s case worker told me in an email that they received many inquiries on the kids and she was specific to say many of them were out of state and just a few in Texas. In my mind she specified that meaning that being in Texas was in our favor. I don’t think they are supposed to count others out because they are in another state, but the kids may prefer to stay in Texas. I took that as a big check mark in our favor.
I wasn’t going to post this until after a decision was made because I didn’t want to look like a fool. But what the heck, this is what happened and how I felt at the time so……………..I fell asleep and woke up during the night last night. I felt like I had not slept and the kids were really on my mind. I know I had been asleep though. I got this very distinct feeling when I woke up that just made me want to jump up and down with excitement and my stomach was just fluttering. Like I just got the call that we were chosen. I felt a very positive feeling and God telling me those are our kids and that we don’t need to worry. We are the ones! Although I got that distinct feeling I am afraid to go with it. I am still afraid to be so confident. I am afraid of disappointment. But I keep thinking,
but with God all things are possible."Matthew 19:25-27,
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."Matthew 21:21-23.
Every time I started to doubt, those verses come to mind. So, I rolled over and was able to sleep peacefully the rest of the night.
I imagine how we will feel when we get the call or email telling me either yes or no. I have no idea how I will feel or what I will do or say. Every time my phone rings and it’s a number I don’t recognize my heart drops!
If God chooses not to select us for these children, God is still God, and we will move forward. We won’t be angry, question why or doubt the decisions made. We will still place it all in His hands. I went to Bible Gateway today and this was the verse of the day that I read AFTER writing my blog today……..again…………..fitting…………….
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”- Hebrews 10:35-36