Still Waiting For the Right One

I look at the adoption websites everyday. I have not been drawn to anyone lately. Some of the kids on those site have been on there for years. They need very special people who can handle their severe medical or emotional needs. I have looked at them even before we decided to go through the process. The case worker has not contacted us with any matches. Sometimes they get some that never make it to the websites and to catch any of them that do not have any major medical or emotional issues you have to catch them on the websites right away. The ones I have seen that I would be interested in are usually not on line for more than a couple days before someone wants to adopt them. I know the right one will show up eventually. It would be nice if it was soon, but I can wait. To be able to find one by Christmas would be wonderful!

Living In a Lonely World

I got an email back today on the girl I inquired about in Florida. Right now I just want to cry. I am so sad for this child. She is so beautiful, sweet and shy looking. She has long dirty blonde hair with a big white bow and white dress on. She has brown eyes and glasses. She really looks like an angel. The case worker told me she has possible schizophrenia! Looks can be deceiving. It makes me so sad for her. That has got to be internal torture. Living inside her own lonely world. What caused it? Was it her circumstances or heredity? Did someone do this to her? She has already had one adoption disruption, which means the family that was going to adopt her said they couldn’t handle it. What a horrible life that poor baby has had to deal with. On top of her mental illness, no one wants her. It breaks my heart. I want to take her and “fix” it. Then I have to humble myself and think what makes me think I can do anything different than anyone else has? I would love to. The challenge doesn’t scare me, but could I? Probably not. Does she even want to be loved? I should have been a case worker. That line of work attracts me and I have a true passion to want to learn and help those kids. The ones that, in reality, I can’t take on at home. I guess what I can do is pray for her. People with schizophrenia can control it with medication and live normally. Hopefully she can find the right family with experience in dealing with the illness where she can live normal, happy, loved, and get the long term help and care she needs. If you pray, please pray for Brianna.

Back To School

No adoption news yet. For someone so impatient I have a real peace about it all (at least for now!). The waiting to be approved was maddening, but knowing we are now, I feel like I can relax and wait. I know I don’t want to rush it and whatever is meant to be will happen at just the right time. I know that our family is meant for someone. I just have to wait until they find us. The girl from Colorado has been on my mind a lot. The one that has a possible family already. I am interested at this time in waiting to see if that works out for her. We are very interested in adopting her. So, for now we continue waiting!
Brendans first day of school went great. With the exception of the rude parents! I don’t care which school my kids have gone to those parents are always there. Why does pick up and drop off time transform ordinary, parents into evil maniacs? It’s just craziness! Brendan seemed to really like it and already made a new friend. He liked his teachers and a lot of them seem to be male which I think is good. Females teachers are great, don’t get me wrong, but I think having a balance is beneficial to the little boys. I may be the minority here but, I don’t really understand the mom’s boo-hooing dropping off their babies at school. Yes, I agree it was a little difficult walking away leaving them in someone else’s hands, but I didn’t cry. I thought something was wrong with me for not crying. I tried to muster up a few tears just to say I cried! My kids were excited to start school. Brendan was more difficult because I thought he was so shy and would have a hard time adjusting, but we did fine. There was a lady just bawling yesterday and when I first saw her I thought “wow, something horrible must having happened” then it hit me……..FIRST DAY, SCHOOL, AHA! Jeez! So anyway, maybe I am insensitive. I don’t mean to be *smile*
They messed up Brendans schedule yesterday, but he was a good sport. I am very optimistic. Then, today, I took him again and we realized he had the wrong schedule AGAIN! I had to get that all straightened out and now he has to start over new today with a new homeroom teacher and new kids. He was not very happy about that because he won’t get to be in class with his friend. I was so sad for him! I just pray this mess happened for a reason and he will have an even better day today! Nick and Allison started today. I already received my first phone call from a school phone, Allison forgot her lunch money already, but aside from that, so far so good! I am anxious to hear about their days.

Offering Your Heart

I searched every adoption website I could find yesterday. I found two girls I was very interested in. I requested information on them, but I have not heard anything back. Patience, patience *sigh*. One of them is in Colorado and the other is in Florida. It’s funny because when we started this we wanted a girl as young as we could find, but under 10 years old max. The two girls I was drawn to yesterday were 11 and 12 LOL. Who knows where this will lead! Allison, Mark and I discussed it yesterday (the boys don’t really care either way, Allison is the one that will share her room), but we are thinking maybe it would be good to adopt one around 11 or 12 first, start looking to move where we will have more room, then adopt younger. I have some questions for my case worker about that first though.

The girl from Colorado is the one I am drawn to the most. I keep going back to her for some reason. I read her short bio and she would fit perfect I think. She even looks like she belongs with us. She is so sweet and pure looking. Her hair is Allison’s color, but her eyes look brown. She is 11 but her picture looks older. It said she loves to cook and help out. She loves swimming and is polite and social and smart. I would post her picture, but I feel kind of weird about that. If she becomes a bigger possibility I might then. Her picture is on a public website though. If you want to contact me privately I will send it to you.
The other girl is in Florida. She is 12, but looks younger. She is also is very sweet looking. She has long, thick, dirty blonde hair and glasses. Very delicate looking. It says she is shy and quiet. She also looks like she would make a good fit with us. I know they don’t fit my original plan, but I got a strong feeling with them. AH, the choices are going to be hard. We are offering our hearts.
Adopting between states can be difficult too, so I don’t know if they will be a viable option. We will see. I still need to sit down with Mark this weekend as well. It’s very hard to have the time to discuss these things while he is on the night schedule. Not much longer though!

Well the case worker just called and answered my questions. She opened more doors for me to think about now. I told her our plan of moving and maybe adopting again and she told me to remain open. We could adopt siblings, then move. I didn’t think they would let us without more room, but she said we could. Hmmm….. I didn’t know. She said she is getting our information ready on the ones we inquired about.

*(Updates as I type. I got a call from Colorado saying the girl I inquired about is on hold for a possible family and to check back in a month to see if she is available. Maybe she’s not the one.)

Allison told me the other day she wanted to go on a mission trip..
She offers her heart to everyone she knows. She watched a video of the highschoolers in her youth group that just got back from Panama. She said “My eyes got all teary It was sad”. She told me those kids were just excited to get new shoes. She also told me about a little girl her group leader saw in an orphanage. She was there because their dad was abusive, but they decided the dad had changed and sent the kids back to them. They are really praying for those kids. I know there are areas like that and we always tell our kids about other kids that would be so thankful to have a meal, a bath, a pair of shoes. Our kids take things for granted, hear our words, but I guess she needed to see it with her eyes. See kids she knew over in the Panama area. I think she might take after me when it comes to compassion for other children. It really touched her heart. She is the one that urged us to get in to church and she also is responsible for a large portion of the prompting to adopt. She is going to play a major role in this. I am anxious to see where God leads her in life. Not only her, of course, but all my kids. I’m a proud momma *smile*!!!

The Unattainable

It’s funny how people have pictured what the child we adopt will look like. My mom said she pictured us with a little blonde haired, curly headed girl. I picture totally opposite. Dark, long brown hair. I will have to see if Mark has pictured anything. Of course we don’t know what he, she or they will look like and we are not making a decision based on what they look like. But it is interesting what people think and waiting to see how it turns out. I saw a family of five kids, yes FIVE, that I was drawn to, but obviously we don’t have the room. It’s funny the ones I have been drawn to have been groups of siblings. If we had the room that is what we would do. I am going to burst when we get our first match. It will be so exciting, and to think that it could happen at any minute of any day is amazing. I can’t believe we made it through the “process” so far. It’s a major accomplishment just getting to this point. I didn’t think I had the patience to do it. I wasn’t patient, but I did survive! It was always a thing I thought about often and really didn’t think it was possible for us. I don’t know why, I just figured it was something I wanted, but it would never happen. Mark and I adopt? No way, it would never happen. It will always just be a dream. I would tell people the rest of my life “yeah, I always wanted to adopt, but never did”. Well, here we are! Entering a life I never really expected. It was kind of one of those “it happens to others, but will never happen for me”. All it took was motivation and action to get it started. Why it seemed unattainable to me, I am not sure. Now I just wonder why more people don’t do it. I am sure they have the same fears I did. It’s just a matter of researching and realizing most of the fears are just that, fears! You would be surprised at what you might learn. We can’t be driven by fear. That has kept me from so much before and doing this is such an accomplishment for me. Over-coming my fears and not letting others influence what I know is in my heart. I have thought a lot about WHY I have a heart for adoption. I hope it doesn’t come across that the family I have is not enough, that I need more, because that is not the case. I am completely fulfilled. I love my family and I am very proud of them. They are more than enough. I am truly blessed and I know this. I have great kids, boys and a girl. I’m not missing a thing, BUT in ways I do feel sometimes that we are not done. Our family is not complete yet. It sounds like a contraindication, but it’s not. I think God has placed adoption on my heart. He is telling me we are not finished yet. We still need to build our family. Although I am content, I do get that feeling of not being finished, and it’s from God. I know that. As well, it’s not just me. I feel my kids and husband are still ready to share their life with more. We are all content, but we are all not finished yet! We are anxious to continue on the journey.

Prayer Works!

My Life Books are finished!! Thanks to my awesome friend! I am so lucky to have great friends. She spent her Monday AND Tuesday night at my house helping put together our books. We talked a lot of the time too, but it was wonderful. It probably would have taken me all week to finish them alone.
My prayer at the moment Is that I can find a job possibly working from home or maybe just that our finances would allow me to cut back on hours at my current job so I can dedicate more time to my kids AND the adjustment of a new child. I would like to be able to provide some sort of stability and security to our new addition. It’s a very important part of bringing a child into a new life and new environment. I hate to have to be away at work the majority of the week. I know we will manage with whatever situation we have to adjust to, but please join me in this prayer!! It would be an extra blessing if I were able to devote more of my time to the lives of not only my own children, but to one that is probably yearning for someone to invest in their life. I know prayer works! And of course, pray that God will lead us to the child that is waiting for our family. I know there is one that was meant to be part of our family. Pray that Mark and I will know when that one (or more) is presented to us and that we will make good choices at just the right time.
Talk about God knowing what lies ahead in our lives...................... I talked to our kids dentist Friday about sending me a receipt for our flex plan and they mentioned we had a credit for $144.00 on our account from our insurance and they would mail it Monday. That same night we had an issue with one of our dogs and had to take her to the Emergency Vet. Guess how much our bill was? $143.00!!!! Otherwise, paying that bill would have really hurt! He provides!!

Today is another busy day. I have another school orientation today and I am dropping off my Life Books at the Agency and then church tonight! Busy, busy, busy…………Just the way I like it! Hope life is good for you! More updates soon!

I Can Breathe Again!

I feel such a weight lifted from my shoulders. Just knowing we are approved was a huge release of anticipation. I feel peaceful and motivated now. I feel like I can do anything. We have to make 3 Life Books for our case worker. Life Books are just a small scrapbook, about 7 or 8 pages, of our family, holidays, pets, fun stuff, or whatever we want. The case worker will give our book to other case workers looking for families for kids. If the child is old enough and is one we have showed interest in then they will get to look at the Life Book as well. We were told to make them as if a child will be viewing them. So it needs to be simple and fun. The child we adopt will get to keep the Life Book. I used to scrapbook, but soon got bored with it and have not done it in years. I started our Life Book when we had our homestudy and haven’t picked it up since. It’s been sitting in my living room for 2 ½ months incomplete. I just didn’t have the motivation. I think I can muster some up now! I didn’t realize I needed to make three of them so it will take a little time, but I hope with the kids help I can get it done tonight. It’s so hard to just pick a few pictures to represent our family. That is the hardest part. There are so many I want to use, but have to narrow it down. Heck, just pictures of all our animals are hard to squeeze on one page!
I have already sent a request for information to our case worker this morning for a child. I am not sure of her age. It says she is in 2nd grade, but according to her date of birth she should be in 5th grade. She looks about 7 or 8. I am not sure if that’s the case or it’s a typo. She is in Colorado. I would like to stay in Texas, but we did have an interest in this little girl. We will just have to see. Based on the minimal information at the moment it is hard to know.

We are very relaxed and excited…………….at this point! We had a great weekend and appreciate all of the support, excitement, congratulations, kind words and words of encouragement we received from everyone. It means so much to us!

FINALLY!!

WE ARE APPROVED!! On Mark’s birthday! What a relief!!! Now we wait again, but it is such a relief to have that part behind us! She said right now for what we are requesting we may wait a little bit. Apparently, everyone wants girls. She currently has two families waiting for about the same thing we are. I think I can handle this part. She said they will send us a report every six weeks on how many cases we were recommended for and any other activity. Hearing the “six weeks” part scared me, but we can do this! We will wait for the right thing at the right time!! Now, every call we get will be an important one!

Time Flies: Another Week Gone By

Not a word yet. Not even a response. I emailed a different worker today. Maybe I will hear from someone. I could pick up the phone and try to call them, but as I was thinking about that today I realized I am afraid to. I am afraid of what they are going to tell me at this point. I could be completely off base, but I picture them scurrying around trying to decide what they are going to tell me. How they are going to tell me we are not approved or how they are going to tell me “Oh, we discovered we can’t find your homestudy. It has been misplaced. We will have to rewrite it and send it again.” I will absolutely be crushed!!!
I finally got to see Mark for a little while yesterday. We just sat on the back porch swing for a while before he went to work. It was nice. He said he kind of just put the adoption on the back burner and we would hear from them eventually. That’s not so easy for me. Once I left work yesterday I was ok. Brendan can always cheer me up. He had to go to the allergist and then he finished the work day with me at the office. My thoughts after that were mostly trying to come up with something for Marks birthday today. I rack my brain every year. I want to come up with something creative, but I don’t ever have much luck. It may be easier if there were unlimited funds to do that *smile*, but there isn’t. So, I’m still thinking. I have until tomorrow since he has to work on his birthday. I will come up with something! Mark and I rarely celebrate birthdays too much anymore. I want to this year, so we will see what I can do.

One more week until school starts. Life is going to get crazy soon. I can’t believe how quickly the summer flew by. I hope I can get enrolled in school while I am in “proactive mode”. I am ready to accomplish something! Everything in my life right now seems to be in transition and waiting. I can say it’s not boring. I dislike “boring” more than “waiting” I think.

And here we are, another week has gone by. I’m looking forward to family time this weekend. I’m starting a new backyard project. After putting in our pond, that I absolutely love, we are taking it out. It attracts too many snakes and mice. So, I had to choose. Do I want a pond with snakes and mice or no pond? I think I choose no pond.

God please give me peace and patience to continue my waiting and wondering!

Remembering Peace

Although I didn’t sleep well again, I feel like I woke up in a little better mood this morning. I think going home early yesterday helped because I wasn’t sitting in front of my computer just waiting for an email from the case worker. I find myself just sitting here waiting for an incoming message and hoping it’s from her. Lately I have struggled being at work and I now think that is why. I drive myself crazy all day waiting for email then I am disappointed at the end of the day when I don’t get the one I’m waiting on. I have to constantly remind myself to picture "peace". I saw this picture and it is so true! Isn't it such a peaceful feeling to hold a sleeping child. I miss rocking my babies to sleep!
I decided to be proactive today. I emailed her first thing this morning and asked if she heard anything yet. It was Tuesday when she said she would check and let me know. Its Thursday now, I think that is pretty patient to give her until today. I haven’t hounded her at all. It’s already lunch time and she has not responded. Plus, going to church last night helped as well. I find peace at church. Like I said in a previous post I could sit in silence, alone at church for a very long time. I got to spend quality time with my two oldest. There was no youth service last night. We had a special speaker on Discipleship. The very first thing the speaker started out saying was he was originally from Fort Worth. He was born at an Adoption Agency and adopted at 2 weeks old. Guess what? It was the very same agency we are using………….AGAIN. If you read my posts regularly you know this has happened to me more than one time. Is that coincidence? Hmmm? Before we decided to adopt I never ran into anyone that I can remember that was associated with that agency!

I have hardly seen or spoken to Mark this week. He is coming when I am going and vice versa. It’s hard and maybe part of the reason subconsciously I have been “down” lately. This is a journey we are on together and we haven’t been “together” much. I can’t wait till he goes back to the day schedule. He has some extra incentive to nudge his boss because he was asked to play hockey on a team on Friday nights. If you know Mark, IT’S HOCKEY, he will make sure he can be there. I figured my complaining was enough, but I guess he needed an extra incentive LOL. I am glad he gets to play again. It’s been years and it’s something he loves. Plus it’s a Friday night so me and the kids might actually get to go this time!
Well, I have gotten a few emails since I started this post, but not from the case worker *sigh*. It will be ok, right? Right. Hope everyone has had a good week. I will update with any news.

Goin' With the Flow

I couldn’t sleep again last night. I guess it was because I was so restless yesterday. I had another (the 2nd) dream the other night that we were told we were not approved for the adoption. I can’t remember the details of this one though. I just remember being mad after I read our home study and felt like our case worker painted an inaccurate picture of our family, but that’s all I remember.
The case worker has my work email address so once I leave work for the day I feel lost, like I am going to miss her email. She does have my number and hopefully would call, but normally we correspond by email. I am leaving work early today to register Nick for school so I will be surprised if we hear anything before I leave today. Then I plan on going to church tonight. I guess that’s really where I need to place my focus right now, and always, as far as that is concerned. I know I sound like a complete mess and I feel that way too, but I don’t think anyone else looking in from the outside can see it. I am functioning as normal, kinda. My writing is just how I’m feeling on the inside. Things others would never know, unless you read this. LOL. It’s ALWAYS in the back of my mind. Right now I can’t even daydream about finding the perfect fit for our family. It just makes me more anxious and excited. I am in robot mode right now. Just goin’ with the flow! I rarely even bring up the adoption in conversation unless someone else brings it up first. I appreciate when people do bring it up. It shows they care and are supportive. There are some that even seem to ignore the issue intentionally and that hurts. There are some that act like they don’t want to talk about it. I don’t understand it and I wish I could write about it, but I don’t want to address anyone personally on here. It does hurt me, but I try to understand. It scares me because I don’t know what it will be like after the fact with the ones that don’t seem to want to talk about it now. It can’t be ignored then. I have a feeling this child, whoever she, he or they are, is going to change a lot of lives in many different ways. Hopefully in a good way!

When Will We Reach the Top?

I never got a reply from our case worker from yesterday so I emailed her again after lunch today. She emailed me back and said she would “check into it”. So far, that’s all I have gotten back. At least this time she said she would check into it instead of “no, haven’t heard anything, I will let you know.” I hope it’s not bad news since we haven’t heard anything. Maybe she is afraid to tell us we were not approved. Who knows. I haven’t been in a very good mood lately though and I apologize for that. I know I shouldn’t worry, I should have patience, but I am really struggling with it. I heard a sermon about “wanting” and begging God for things. Even things that may be for good. The lesson was more or less, be careful what you wish for, sometimes you get more than what you bargain for. I am trying to apply that to my situation now. God wants us to want Him and He is enough. He knows what is best and doesn’t want to hear our begging and “wanting”. I know I “want” to adopt. We have wanted it for a while. I know it’s a “good” thing. Maybe He knows something we don’t. So, in the meantime I’m trying to just “let it go” for now. But I’m not in a great mood. I don’t know what I will do if we find out we aren’t approved after all this work, time, and waiting. I will have to deal with it. I have not been very focused on anything else. I feel like I am walking around in a fog, the unknown. I missed the 10th grade registration. That’s the first year I have ever missed a registration for one of my kids. I will get him registered, but late of course. I haven’t wanted to cook, but I have. I know that’s a chore no one really WANTS to do but it has taken some extra effort lately. I will be ok, I am just ready to get over this hump. Actually, it feels more like a huge mountain and I am so ready to reach the peak. Each days end feels like another reach for the top, one more step, pulling myself up, muscles sore and weak in an effort to reach the peak. And I cannot see the top. I am just left wondering if this one reach will be the last reach before I can pull myself up to the top and let out a sigh of relief.

Staying Busy

I emailed our case worker first thing this morning to find out what our status is. No response yet *sigh*. I debated blogging today because I am still not Ms. Positive. I don’t want to keep whining. BUT, it’s a kind of “therapy” for me to write. One day I may need to tell of our adoption experience to someone interested and this is part of the process. The disappointment and waiting. I feel like we have been patient, considering. I tried to stay busy this weekend doing stuff around the house. I finally got motivated to clean my truck inside and out. THAT is a chore when your family lives out of the car a lot of time. Eating on the run, etc. I went walking with a friend Friday night, school shopping Saturday and did family haircuts Sunday. Then before you know it, it’s time for Monday again! And here we are, Monday! Not much going on this week yet. Marks birthday is Friday so I need to start thinking about what I am going to do for that day! That’s about it! Hope everyone has a great week!!!

Do You Think I'm a Worrier?

So, it’s Friday. Another week behind us. I am happy it’s Friday, but it’s bittersweet. I still have not heard anything from our case worker. I am beyond being impatient. I am just discouraged about it right now. At the point where I am just ready to forget about it. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to adopt but I’m ready to just erase it from my mind. When it happens it happens. Then again, I don’t want them to put us on the back burner because we are patiently waiting. It’s like waiting for a response on a job. You wonder if you should act interested and call or leave them alone. Overly anxious or not interested enough? I am upset it’s been 4 weeks longer than they said to expect, but what do you do? My hands are tied and there is nothing I can do. Very frustrating.
I was finally forced to make a decision on Allisons school. She did not get into the charter school and public school registration was Wednesday. I am not happy with the public middle school and we were down to deciding whether to homeschool this year or take a chance with the public school again. Allison and I were really stressed about it. We thought we knew homeschooling was the way to go and felt very comfortable with it, but the more we talked we ended up changing our mind about an hour before registration. Of all of my kids she is the one that NEEDS socialization. She planned on being in athletics and she is in National Junior Honor Society this year. She was excited about that. I was torn. I know we could provide just as good, if not better education at home (even working), I could save money on school uniforms, I wouldn’t worry about the “crap” that goes on in the school. I have a dear, sweet friend who homeschools and offered her help, not to mention the convenience. It was very hard for me to decide not to homeschool because that is my preference and it seemed like a "given" to me, but ultimately we decided to give public a try again. She is just at such a critical point being in 8th grade. She will enter high school next year and middle school was my real concern. We can always withdraw her this year if needed. It’s going to be a crazy year with all three kids going to different schools again and Brendan at a new school with new kids, teachers, etc. We will need prayers. I stress about these decisions and pray I make the right ones.

I messed up my application for financial aid to go back to school myself so I have to wait for a form in the mail before I can proceed with that. I’m looking forward to that.

I had an appointment with my dermatologist yesterday and had a spot removed to biopsy. I think it will be ok, but it’s always scary. Especially when you lay out with baby oil and iodine on your roof when you are a teenager LOL. I go back to the doctor August 19. I went in for my face breaking out and decided to have him look at a spot I noticed. I have seen 2 different dermatologists before and this one was easier to get in to see. I saw him SIX years ago. I was surprised he was still in practice because he is OLD! He was old six years ago! When I showed him the spot he decided to remove it. RIGHT THEN! I was thinking I would have to come back or something. I had no preparation. He pulled out the needle and scissors and before I had time to think his shaky hand is ready to poke the needle under the skin in my neck!! I have had a spot removed before, but not by him. He is OLD!! I was nervous! He shakily stuck me with the needle and immediately grabbed his SCISSORS to cut the spot out. I thought he didn’t even give it time to numb, but luckily I didn’t feel a thing! He snipped it right off. Seemed so routine for him. It happened so quick with little time for me to think about it. He asked lots of questions that seemed irrelevant to me. You wonder if its small talk or important stuff. He asked if my husband was healthy, if my kids were all healthy. I’m thinking WHY??? does that matter ? Is he going to have to be healthy to take care of them when you tell me I have skin cancer???? LOL *sigh* That’s me and my thinking, typical! Anyway, hopefully everything comes back fine there!
Good news is they are talking at work like Mark will get his day schedule back at the end of this month! I am praying that happens! I will feel married again! It was nice having him around. We were finally learning to function like a family after years of night schedules.

Which Way do I Go?

I have a lot on my mind lately. Some of it I am not quite ready to blog about, but I will eventually. When I am content and secure in the direction I am supposed to go. Life can be so hard. It’s up to me to make decisions that are going to affect more people than just yourself. My kids depend on me to make good decisions. I am not confident in my own decisions and look to God for direction. I have a hard time with that though. Sometimes I don’t know if it’s just me that wants something bad, therefore I THINK God is leading me that way. Or is it really Him directing me? It’s hard for me to clear my mind and just listen. How do you really know it’s God’s will and not your own? I am still trying to learn that. When I try to go to God for direction I start looking for everything that happens to be an indicator one way or the other on what I should do. The only thing I can absolutely say that it is Gods will and not my own is the adoption. The reason I know that is because there have been so many times I wanted to back out. So much frustration that it would be easier just to say forget it. I have had people try to discourage me from it. I have been afraid of it. But each time I am led right back to the place I am at and something inside of me reassures me that it will be ok and to push forward. In our adoption class they even told us when you run into road blocks DO NOT take that as a sign from God that it isn’t the right thing for you to do because everyone WILL run into some sort of road block along the way. I’m glad they said that because the way I am, that’s EXACTLY what I would have done by now. When we had so much trouble with our doctor I would have said Ok this is a sign, God is trying to put the brakes on this!! LOL. That’s the way I am. With everything else I need God to just send me a letter telling me what to do, send me a text, call me up or just hit me over the head with it. I am not good “figuring it out”. Does that mean I don’t listen? I don’t have enough faith? I’m not sure, maybe both. I really want to learn how to listen harder and have more faith. I want to KNOW the path I should take. I’m glad I at least have peace in our adoption decision. It has now been 2 weeks TODAY that the case worker told me it would be about 2 more weeks before we hear anything. *sigh* Hopefully it will be GOOD news SOON. I am ready to be energized and encouraged!

Friends

Well , I wish I had some interesting, fun, exciting thing to write about today, but I don’t. I’m still doing my favorite thing, waiting! It’s really wearing on me. I have applied for financial aid, waiting on the decision on that. I am waiting for adoption news. I am waiting on a call from my bank. I am even waiting on a book I ordered in the mail. I know what happens when I am impatient. I usually don’t get the answer I am hoping for! So I try to stay occupied. I have tried to reconnect with friends a lot more lately. I realize how important friends are and that I was not a very good friend growing up. I let “boys” come between me and almost every one of my friends. Boys always mattered more. I was not a happy person for a long time. And that resulted in negative effects on all my relationships.

“If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.” Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Boy, what a mistake that was. I have discovered some of the most caring, amazing, incredible spirits in my friends. I am so thankful they are still around to give me another chance to be a better friend. It’s funny how most of us can mentally go through our lives in our mind and name certain people throughout our lives that influenced us in one way or another. A lot of them probably don’t even know they played such a big part in our life.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Ann Richards

I have been lucky to have certain ones come back into my life. I hope I can be a better friend and let them know the important part they played in my life.

“A true friend is the most precious of all possessions and the one we take the least thought about acquiring.” La Rochefoucauld

I am so thankful for amazing friends. I hope I teach my kids how important friends are and to nuture those friendships for a lifetime!

Check One Off the List

I am really disappointed today. Allison is still #29 on the waiting list for the charter school. I really wanted to get her out of the public middle school. She may be accepted later in the year but this is her last year at the middle school and I am not sure that I want to move her once she starts high school. *sigh* I guess I have to find a way to deal with the disappointment. I am tempted to home-school her for the next year but I have already taken her out of school to do that once before. I don’t know what to do! I have applied for financial aid myself. I am hoping to continue my own schooling. I have a lot going on, which is fine. I like it that way, but I don’t want to limit Allison because I have too much going on myself.……Well, time to set the gears in my head in motion, as well as stay positive!
I have writers block now. I’m letting the disappointment cloud my thinking! That’s all for now, maybe I can write more later…………………………………