Finding Peace

I have prayed for peace a lot lately. When one thing consumes your heart and mind it takes a toll. It’s exhausting and you start to “forget” about other things and lose focus on everything else. I was getting exhausted from thinking and imagining and being excited. Adoption is such an emotional roller coaster. It’s very tiring. God has answered my prayers and I have found some peace. I am sleeping better and He opened my eyes to the fact I still have a wonderful husband and three beautiful kids. I never forgot they were there, my thoughts were just consumed with the new journey in our lives. I apologized to them. Of course I still think of the adoption, we still talk about it and are still anxious about it, but I have enjoyed my time with my family more and have given the frustrations and impatience to God. I know I will still have times that I have those feelings, but it’s amazing to me that God never gives us more than we can handle at one time. He knew I needed peace right now. I am so blessed to have a husband who understands and loves me regardless. I gave the boys haircuts last night and Nick and I had a bit of the evening to ourselves which doesn’t happen often. He makes me laugh and has such a great personality. I love my time with him when we can laugh and connect. The other two went Halloween shopping with Mark. They all three love Halloween and had a great time. Of course my sweet little girl wants all the gory, bloody scars and cuts to make herself scary. She wants to scare everyone on our annual Halloween camping trip. Brendan sticks to his Star Wars theme. So…………… great father/daughter time when Mark gets to apply all the horror to his daughter! LOL…………..gotta love it!

There is an adoption radio program on the radio this afternoon that I am anxious to listen to. I have made a few contacts with other adoptive parents on facebook lately as well. It is helpful to talk to others going thru the same thing. I think the hardest thing about the waiting is the lack of contact, but I am searching for ways to deal with that and common contacts is one way that helps. I think once you are able to let go and put it all in God’s hands is when you get the call. It’s easier said than done, but I’m getting there!

Giving Up Control While Having Faith and Confidence

Before I fell asleep (FINALLY) last night I said a specific prayer for each one of my children (I have to be sure I am not so consumed I forget about the blessings we already have) and also for each one of the group we are hoping to adopt. I had different thoughts running through my mind like I always do trying to figure out some clue on my own of why they should choose us, sizing up the competition, estimating our chances. Of course I come up empty. There are just too many unknowns and I just drive myself crazy. I am sure the other families are just as passionate and just as loving and can offer just as much (or more) than we can. I am realizing the lack of control is maddening. We have absolutely no control over any part of the situation as hard as I try to. It is completely in the hands of others. We are waiting on everyone else and nothing we can say or do at this point will make any difference. So I prayed for wisdom and direction for the case workers as well. I wonder if the fact we are both working parents is a strike against us. I wonder if the fact we already have kids is a strike or a check mark. I wonder if our financial status is a strike or the size of our house or where we live. All they really know about us is what a stranger wrote about us after just a few meetings. I think of things I should have said or included in our homestudy. I should have said we are open to moving to a bigger house or doing whatever it takes to merge as a family. But last night something occurred to me that brought me some peace. I know I WAY over analyze things, but the children’s case worker told me in an email that they received many inquiries on the kids and she was specific to say many of them were out of state and just a few in Texas. In my mind she specified that meaning that being in Texas was in our favor. I don’t think they are supposed to count others out because they are in another state, but the kids may prefer to stay in Texas. I took that as a big check mark in our favor.
I wasn’t going to post this until after a decision was made because I didn’t want to look like a fool. But what the heck, this is what happened and how I felt at the time so……………..I fell asleep and woke up during the night last night. I felt like I had not slept and the kids were really on my mind. I know I had been asleep though. I got this very distinct feeling when I woke up that just made me want to jump up and down with excitement and my stomach was just fluttering. Like I just got the call that we were chosen. I felt a very positive feeling and God telling me those are our kids and that we don’t need to worry. We are the ones! Although I got that distinct feeling I am afraid to go with it. I am still afraid to be so confident. I am afraid of disappointment. But I keep thinking,
but with God all things are possible."Matthew 19:25-27,
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."Matthew 21:21-23.
Every time I started to doubt, those verses come to mind. So, I rolled over and was able to sleep peacefully the rest of the night.
I imagine how we will feel when we get the call or email telling me either yes or no. I have no idea how I will feel or what I will do or say. Every time my phone rings and it’s a number I don’t recognize my heart drops!
If God chooses not to select us for these children, God is still God, and we will move forward. We won’t be angry, question why or doubt the decisions made. We will still place it all in His hands. I went to Bible Gateway today and this was the verse of the day that I read AFTER writing my blog today……..again…………..fitting…………….
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”- Hebrews 10:35-36

Trying to Focus

This is the time of year I get real antsy. I want to stay home and be a mom and wife. I don’t know what it is about this time of year. Maybe it’s because when we homeschooled we would get up and the first thing we did was open the windows and doors. No t.v. the kids would read their books and do their work while I made breakfast. It was so calm and peaceful. I absolutely loved it. So, needless to say, work is a real struggle for me lately. I don’t like whining about it, but sometimes I do *smile*. I wish I enjoyed work like some people do. That anxiousness on top of the adoption anxiousness makes it almost impossible to concentrate on work. I feel like I am pretty useless at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I do my work but it’s forced and we really don’t have a lot to stay busy at the moment. That being said I am still very thankful to have a paycheck.
As far as the adoption, like I said, concentration is hard. I can’t sleep or focus. We are so excited and anxious to hear about the children we have submitted on. We should hear in early October. We are up against many other families so if we are matched I will know it was by God. And maybe I shouldn’t have shared with so many people before it’s more certain, but I have wonderful friends and family that I know will pray with us. I want everyone who has supported us to be a part. We appreciate it so much.
I think we are a perfect match for them, of course. I wonder if every family feels that way? I haven’t gotten this feeling but with one other child that I was too late to even submit our homestudy on before she was matched. I see them fitting so well into our family. I really get a secure feeling that WE are the ones for them. On the other hand, as strong as that feeling is for me, I don’t want to get my hopes up so high. I will be very disappointed if we aren’t chosen. I can tell myself its God’s plan and move forward, but it will be heart breaking. I know others have been waiting much longer than we have. I do want what is best for the kids. I have developed a very nervous habit of picking at my cuticles with all of this going on. They look horrible and I am trying real hard to stop. I guess that’s what waiting is doing to me!

I receive a daily email called Daily Encouragement and today’s passage was about (Matthew 25:40) "When Jesus saw this, He was indignant. He said to them, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these'" (Mark 10:14). "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me". They always conclude with a prayer that I thought was fitting for my day and really defines adoption for me…….
Father, You welcome all to be a part of Your kingdom: the young and the old, the weak and the strong, those born in ideal circumstances and those conceived in the worst imaginable settings. All the days ordained for our lives were written in Your book before one of them came to be. May our welcoming voices and warm touch make an eternal difference to innocent lives born in our hostile world, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Reality

I recently connected with some other parents on facebook that are adopting through the same agency, only to learn they have been waiting 4 month, 12 months, etc. I guess when I complain about it being a month with no word its laughable. It's disappointing. There is a lot of things through the process which have proved to be misleading. But I know I have to pray for patience. I have to remember God's timing no matter how hard it is for me. It has put things in perspective for me even if it is disappointing. These other families were hoping to have children by the end of summer which has come and gone and probably have the same mental deadlines I do now..... by Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. As wonderful as it would be to have someone to share our Christmas I have to realize it is realistic that might not happen.

Taking Risks

To live without risk is not living at all.
I saw that saying today and realized how true it is. I was never a risk taker until about 2005. It all changed. I quit my job of 11 years. Left behind the senority, good benefits and stability. Some might call it stupid instead of risky. I was terrified. I thought about quitting years before I actually did. Once I decided to do it, I did it that very day. I didn’t want anyone talking me out of it. I was tired of making myself sick over the fear and just went for it. It took a lot of encouragement from Mark. He is just the opposite of me, always willing to take a risk. So, although we have struggled a bit since I quit I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am so much happier now and less stressed.
Then we come to adoption. Same situation. I considered it for years and talked myself out of it many, many times. With some urging from Mark we again took the plunge. He has talked me out of quitting several times since the beginning. I realized a long time ago that I was not a risk taker and I’m so glad Mark and I complement each other in that way. I would have missed out on so much by taking the “safe” path. It’s so liberating when you take a risk and you see that things work out and you survived!
And here we are. We are taking a HUGE risk adopting. There are so many unknowns. I still get that reaction from people at times, “OOOHHH, great!” when really you can detect in their voice that they are thinking “You crazy fool! Don’t you have 3 already????”, and some even say that. It still stings a little, but for the most part I am done worrying about what everyone else thinks. Sometimes I stop for a half second and question myself, but overall I am extremely excited. I know things will work out and I shouldn’t expect everyone to understand. Sometimes I even wonder if something is wrong with me. Should I be more afraid, more cautious? Maybe my faith has grown. Maybe it’s that simple. I don’t know what it is, but it is a good thing, and I do know “living without risk is not living at all”.

Finally Some News!

Wow! So I got an email last night from Lubbock saying that one of the inquiries we submitted is going to be chosen the first part of October. Which means, they want to choose a family from the submissions in early October. I sent the request in about a month ago and emailed my agency to make sure they had forwarded our homestudy, which they had not. So supposedly they sent it to Lubbock this morning. I am trying real hard not to get too excited because they haven’t even chosen us as a possibility yet. They are just beginning the process of choosing. I have the picture on my computer at work and say a little prayer when I look at it. I am asking that you please say a little prayer for us that God will lead us in our decision making and the decision making of the case workers. If this one is meant to be, that it is God’s will. I am nervous about the possibility of finally having to make a decision. I don’t want to make the wrong one. I have already decided that once this is completed I cannot continue to look at the adoption websites unless we decide to adopt again. I don’t ever want to have regrets or wish things would have been different. I hate to think I would feel that way, but I think that would be a reasonable fear. I am excited too. Picturing a face of someone who could spend the holidays with us this year is awesome. I am anxious to share my wonderful family and friends!

Looks Can Be Deceiving

I have started to blog several times and just deleted it all because I have no updates. Absolutely nothing. I finally called the agency last Thursday because I thought we were supposed to get something in the mail about our homestudy approval which was August 14. She said yes, it was just signed that morning and would be in the mail Friday morning. I still have not gotten anything. It’s frustrating. I don’t feel like we can be too pushy. We were warned about the waiting and it has only been 4 ½ weeks since our approval. It took longer than that to get the approval. But right now I feel kind of “forgotten”. It feels like it’s just not gonna happen. Like we will end up just throwing our arms up and saying oh well, it didn’t work out for us. I know realistically that’s not the case, but that sure is how it feels. Mark feels like the agency isn’t doing their job. That they should be more proactive. I agree to an extent, but don’t feel like we have a right to complain about it. If we were paying big bucks then I would have no problem telling them how I feel, but we aren’t. Mark and I rarely discuss it because I know he gets irritated that we haven’t heard a word and its just not a conversation I feel like having. I am frustrated too. I try to avoid the subject unless I have news or something. It’s discouraging, but we aren’t letting it interfere with our life. I do still wake up every morning wondering if today will be the day my phone rings, but that’s about as far as it goes. I have it in the back of my mind all day every day, but its behind all the other things going on…………..work, school, kids, homework, dinner, etc. We have three beautiful, healthy kids right now that mean the world to us and that’s what matters.

There is a girl on the adoption website that is around 4 or 5 and absolutely BEAUTIFUL! She has blue eyes and brown curly hair with a big, a fluffy bow in her hair and a huge smile! From the outside she appears to be a normal, happy, healthy child, but when you read her profile it reveals just the opposite. She suffers from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She goes days at a time with very little sleep and has to be supervised constantly. She suffers from ataxia.

Persistent ataxia usually results from damage to your cerebellum — the part of your brain that controls muscle coordination. Many conditions may cause ataxia, including alcohol abuse, stroke, tumor, cerebral palsy and multiple sclerosis.

Obviously, hers is from her mother’s alcohol abuse when pregnant. That is just so sad. It breaks my heart! It also states she cannot be in a home with animals. It makes you wonder why. They don’t tell you that in the profile. It’s so hard to imagine someone who is so small and angelic being a hazard. It just really blows my mind. It makes me want to give a child like that a chance. It makes me wonder if they can overcome any of those obstacles with a family and love. But that’s a risk I can’t take right now. I don’t know if I could ever take that big of a risk. The risk that she may not ever overcome her challenges or lead a normal life. I just don’t know if I could handle it. I admire people who do deal with children like that, either adopted or their own. It’s such a huge, huge sacrifice! And if I didn’t have to work I may consider it more seriously, but it sounds very exhausting. This particular child was on the website for a day before and taken off to just recently be added again. I check the site several times a day *smile*. Makes me wonder if she had been matched and it didn’t work out. I look at her face and try to imagine the things they say being that bad and I just can't. It is just a sad situation all the way around. I just do not understand! Ok, enough depressing stuff. Say a prayer for this baby. I have gone ahead and included her picture because it comes from a public website that anyone can view. Hopefully I won’t get in trouble for adding it !
Hopefully we will hear something from someone soon and I will have a happy update. Like the day we were approved, on Marks birthday! That was a great day!!

Just an Update....

For the most part, we are very content waiting right now, but today is different. Today I feel a little restless and it would be really nice to hear something. To be approached with an option or something. Even a little bitty part of me has had days lately that I didn’t want to hear anything. We are content and happy and I just wanted to enjoy it. I have learned through this process that those feelings are going to come up and they are normal. I just have to know not to jump and react. Those feelings will pass. It makes the waiting easier. Things have seemed a little slow on the adoption websites. I know there are kids waiting that we don’t know about, but its all the red tape that gets things held up. Its sad when there are so many families just waiting and time is just ticking by for these kids. Regardless, I know it will work out.
Brendan and Allison love school right now. I couldn’t be happier! Brendan has never liked school, but says he can’t wait to go back every afternoon when he gets home. It’s obvious that a structured, disciplined school makes a huge difference. He doesn’t have to deal with disruptions in class from bad behavior, the teachers aren’t grumpy and irritable from having to deal with it, and it’s just a happier place to be. He is glad he changed schools this year. I am so thankful I gave it a try and didn’t let my fears keep me stuck in the place we were. Allison has been happier at the middle school so far, but we do plan on switching her if we get the opportunity. Nick is ok with school, but he is in 10th grade and really has to work hard now, so it’s not all that “fun” for him. He has done well too though. Mark is back on days and still adjusting, but it has been better so far.
Sorry things are a little boring right now, not much going on. I try to keep this blog adoption related *smile* otherwise I could go on and on talking about STUFF. So, I will update again soon with any info. Hopefully I will have some news next time!