Reprogramming Your Child is Not Easy

I was told that as parents with a new adoptive child we will begin to be "tested" at about 3 months. It has almost been three months since placement and the advice was correct! She is testing. The kids are starting to get on each others nerves just like they should and I am getting introduced to the "attitude". She doesn't like to be corrected or scolded. She likes to retreat, ignore everyone, pout, and be alone. When she was done with all of that she came back around and joined us like nothing was wrong. Yesterday was the real first time I actually had to scold her for her attitude. The kids started church day camp yesterday and were tired and worn out which I am sure contributed to the grumpiness.
We also had a frustrating incident where foster mom told her at one time that if you are pregnant and you look at the full moon your baby will be deformed. She actually believes that and will have no part of believing me when I tell her thats a superstition. UGH!! Why would she tell a child that? And HOW am I ever going to get her to trust and believe what I tell her?? Hopefully with time. Its frustrating raising a child who didn't grow up with your own beliefs and ideas. It also drives a wedge between the bonding for me. I feel things I would be ashamed to admit but also feel are normal feelings. But they don't always feel good. We feel like we are having to completely reprogram her. I know its only been 3 months and I am anxious to see where we are in a year. I know it will be worth it all!

Some Are Left Behind

I’m not doing so well at becoming faithful to my blog. I am super sleepy today and really didn’t have the energy to blog, but I am making a good effort. I intended on keeping my blog generally about adoption so I have been trying to think about where to pick up at. Its hard for me to go back so I will start in the present and throw a few things in here and there. She seems to be doing remarkable well. I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out, but maybe we have just been blessed with a great child. Don’t get me wrong, she isn’t completely innocent, but its nothing that isn’t typical of any biological child. She tries to be sneaky, doesn’t always listen or pick up after herself and she argues with her brother. She fits right in. There has only been one day so far that I was truly terrified at what we had done to our family. I felt sick and was ready to back out and go back to life as we knew it. There was more than adoption going on that day though. It was nothing a little sleep didn’t fix. It was a weekend of high emotion. A death in the family and our new daughters arrival. There was lots of anticipation and stress built up along with raw emotions. I cried a lot that day. She wanted to go back and missed her brother. That was about the 4th day she was here. We have only had one day like that since.. We are all starting to learn about each other and its finally feeling a little bit comfortable. The thought has even crossed my mind that I would want to adopt again. Almost like going through childbirth, you say you will NEVER do it again but its amazing how soon afterward you forget and are ready to do it again. I can think back and I remember all the frustration I had going through the process, but I can’t say now that I wouldn’t do it again. I’m still trying to “get over” my baby urge. I know that honestly I don’t want to deal with the diapers, schedules, doctors, formula, etc again but on the other I would be willing to do it! Oh, well, I will get over that unless a baby just drops down in my lap!
I still find myself going to the adoption websites and I get emails with videos and stuff that I watch. It still tempts me. I think I always try to put myself in the other persons place and try to imagine what they are feeling and that’s why my feelings are so strong about adoption. Lately, I have thought of the children that never get adopted and never have a family to call their own. Can you imagine? Even at the age you are now, independent, with husband and kids possibly, but no one to call family as far as mom, dad, siblings, etc. We can never even imagine what that would be like. Most have never known that life. Think of those left behind to make a life for themselves. It would be so lonely and there are kids that have to live their lives that way. I know at this point that our new daughter is not bonded with us like family bonds together. She appears to be, but I know she isn’t. It takes time and I just pray that some day she can trust and depend on us like family does. I try to imagine what goes on in her little head sometimes and maybe when she is older she can tell me. I don't want her to feel alone in this world. We have been blessed with the people in our life that have come forward and supported us and our daughter. There are many that God has placed in our lives and its obvious, like our neighbor who has offered to teach Tiffany some of her Hispanic traditions in cooking, my dear friend who adopted her daughter about 11 years ago that picks Tiffany up from school sometimes and all of our other friends and family that have helped us maintain a somewhat typical and normal life of our own and not let the other kids get lost in the shuffle! I know we will have our trying moments, but I know this was Gods direction for us. I have a couple of issues to discuss with the therapist next week that I will blog about next time!

Mysteries at the McCandless House

I think we have other children besides the 4 I have living secretly in our house. We fill up the refrigerator with bottled water and the next day it is half way emptied out and not one of my kids claim the 20 water bottles lying around the house still full. I walk in their bathroom every day, hear a crack under my feet only to look down and see another broken hanger I have just stepped on. Of course, no one knows how it got there or how they get there every morning. Then, I look out in the backyard only to see the empty wrappers of the 15 donuts, cupcakes and other snacks we bought this weekend shredded all over the yard by one happy dog. How does a whole bag of snacks make it to the backyard and not ONE person remembers how it could have gotten there or saw a dog walking by with a grocery bag of food to take it outside? Do children have very, very short-term memories or am I the one going crazy? They have absolutely no idea how any of this happened. All they know is THEY didn’t do it. Sound familiar? So, now, my only choice is to get creative. I am certainly not as creative as I used to be and it takes some time to be creative, I am not patient and want to have answers now, but it’s the only way to not accuse or assume I know who the guilty party is. I envy those parents that are always so creative at solving issues and it comes so naturally to them. I don’t know how I will figure out the snacks, but I am on a mission now to figure out the rest. Colored hangers will solve the hanger problem and a shiny, new lock on the water fridge and a red sharpie will fix the water bottle problem. We have tried the sharpie without the lock, but it only lasts a day or two. The lock will force them to ask and remind us to use the sharpie. Sounds like a good plan, we will see if it works.
Of course my first reaction is to blame the new member and I don’t like feeling that way and certainly don’t want to accuse without knowing. I don’t want to assume I know who it is, but it’s so hard not to. It’s not fair for me to feel that way, but it has got to be normal to feel that way. At least I would think it’s a normal feeling. I hope to solve the mystery. Not that it’s a huge deal, well, the fact the dog ate my chocolate cupcakes is kind of a big deal *smile*, but just to sort it all out in my own head is really what I need. I wonder if other adoptive parents struggle with this? It seems understandable that they would, but it sure makes you feel guilty for feeling that way. Stay tuned.

Good Intentions

Well, I would like to start blogging again but I just don't seem to have the time. Its been so long I don't even know where to start anymore. Those of you that know us know that we changed Tiffanys name. For this blog I will refer to her as Tiffany. She was finally placed with us on March 26. The day before me and Marks 15 year anniversary. So much has happened since then. For the most part things have been great. We have only had one emotional breakdown and it was a few days after she was here. I think we were all in the state of shock that its really happening. That along with total exhaustion and a mixture of many different emotions. She is always happy and never cries. That bothers me a bit, but I guess I should be thankful. I almost feel like she is avoiding the "feelings" though. The kids are all doing well and its becoming evident that Tiffany is a SISTER, not just a visitor. They get on each others nerves and argue just like any other siblings would. We have had many firsts with her already. First day of school, first Easter, first field trip with mom, first mothers day and many more to come. I hope eventually I can put into words some of the many feelings I have felt since her addition. Tired is what I feel right now! Yes, there have been times I wondered what did I do and also times that I couldn't imagine not doing it. It will take years of adjusting. And as crazy as it sounds I still have an emptiness that would love a baby, although, I am learning to accept that my time of being a mommy to little ones is over. I just wish that young mothers could see now how quickly that time goes by and cherish every single moment. Yes, I will always be a mom and I am so thankful for my wonderful children. I know God knows what is best for me and I am learning to accept it. It has been very hard though. Hard to move beyond that phase of my life. Hopefully I can become faithful to my blog again and start documenting the phases of emotions we have and will have throughout this life journey.

Preparing for a New Beginning

Things have calmed down just a bit. We probably won't get to bring Tiffany home until Spring Break. Right now we are waiting on more paperwork to be completed before we can schedule visits. We have talked to her and her foster mom on the phone but have backed off a bit for now because it was causing problems at the home she is at now. Kids often start distancing themselves from the people they are close to because they know they will be leaving. Tiffany is excited but also knows she is moving far away so she is scared as well. Everyone is ready to begin the next phase of our lives. Its hard to wait. Tiffanys foster mom reminds me a lot of my grandma when talking to her on the phone. I'm almost as anxious to meet her! She is a very sweet, caring lady and has taken very good care of Tiffany which I'm sure is why tiffany is doing as well as she is. Her foster mom is very happy she is going to a good home. You have to be an incredible person to be able to nuture these kids back to some sort of normalcy and then let them go to begin a new life. I have developed a new respect for the people that foster these kids, take them to therapy, doctor appointments, school, deal with case workers and disruptive behaviors and emotions from the kids during all the scary changes. It takes a special person!
We are anxious to meet Tiffany. She has written a song she wants to sing to us called This Is Where I Belong. She is a wonderful girl and we are so blessed to be matched. I know everyone says in the end its worth the wait. It doesn't make the wait easier though! I have been able to see Gods hand in the process. Its easy to appreciate, but hard to let Him handle it at the time. So, for now, we wait a little bit longer. I am sure we will have challenges, jealousy, and other issues at some point. I am just hoping we can live up to everyones expectations!

Craziness

A lot has happened since my last post and I should really sit down and write about it but we have been so busy. Maybe eventually. All I can say is this has been an experience I wish everyone could have! Our 2nd staffing is tomorrow and I will find out when we get to meet Tiffany. She surprised me and called me on the phone Friday! It was beautiful and made me sure about the decisions we have made. Hopefully I will have more to post soon!!!

Staffing Day #1

Just so I have it down in the history books today is our first staffing. Five months since our approval. This means the case workers of two other families that have been chosen will sit down with the childs case worker and discuss each family and the child in order to come to a final decision on one family. We are one of the three families to be discussed. I don’t know how long it will be before they let us know who they have chosen. More waiting, but this is a step we have not gotten to yet. Todays staffing is for a 10 year old girl. We don’t know much more than that yet. I will write more once we hear how the meeting went !

Warning! Whining Ahead......

I don't like writing when I'm bummed, but this is my only outlet. So, if you don't want to hear me whine feel free to stop reading now! *smile*
I keep reminding myself of the saying above "Beautiful thoughts and positive emotions are what makes miracles"...
I am just so exhausted. Mentally. I really want to hear some news. Its so hard to just sit and wait. I want to pick up the phone and ask the agency if they have heard ANYTHING and remind them I am here. But I know they haven't and I know they will let me know as soon as they have news. So I revert back to just waiting, keeping it all inside, trying to be patient, trying to cover up my exhaustion. I check my email, check the adoption website and rarely see anything different. Occasionally, I catch a new child that I submit us on or get an email saying they recieved our homestudy and will contact us if we are selected. Besides that, not much else. I sit here in my own thoughts because I don't want to burden anyone else with my needless impatience. I also do not look forward to Waiting Part II once we are matched. Its a different kind of wait, but wait none the less. I just feel so defeated and so tired. I am ready to see an end in sight or even sometimes... ready to just quit all together and not worry about it anymore. I feel like I am wasting precious time and not being all I can be for my friends and family now, but I try to hide it and muddle through like usual. Its hard to just relax. I mean its really not THAT bad right? Could be lots worse. Its just waiting, for something you have wanted really badly, for so long! Yes, even now I still wonder if we are doing the right thing. If we made the right decision, but HOW can it be wrong? Are we too old? Are we past that stage in life? I feel like the process is adding years to my life as I speak and I know that isn't good. I don't know how any normal person can completely put it on the back burner and not be anxious or impatient or not think about it most waking hours. How do you control such a strong desire? I don't think you can. Yes, I know its in God's hands and I try, daily, to let God's timing be my peace, but its a daily, hourly, moment by moment struggle. I do trust Him and I know when I look back some day that His plan will be obvious, but WOW, getting to that point is so incredibly hard! I am very thankful to have support of family and friends going thru the process themselves. I don't know how I could continue on without that. They encourage me to press on!! I hope and pray we hear something SOON!

Learning, Growing and still Waiting!

Still waiting……..! I thought I really had it under control now, but I’m realizing I think it was the holidays that helped me put adoption on the back burner for a while. It felt good not anticipating an email or a call from the case workers. It was nice not to feel the need to get online and check the adoption website hourly, at least! Sometimes kids will appear for an hour or so and then disappear after that because of the large response they get. It felt good not to get discouraged every afternoon if I didn’t hear anything. I felt like I was whole and together for a couple of months after being in a fog for the better part of 2009! *SIGH*!!!!! I’m trying not to fall back into that funk, but I feel myself slipping. I need to find a hobby or something to occupy my time. Its got to be a cheap hobby, so that counts a lot out. Working out seems to keep coming up, but I am REALLY having a hard time getting motivated to do THAT!! Now that the holidays are over its back to real life. The bills, the routine, the car problems, homework, cooking, cleaning, blah! So it gives me lots of time to just “think”. It’s probably a good time to go home and dig all of the unfinished hobbies back out and start completing some of them!
I’ve been told that God is really changing and growing us through this process. I wish I could see it like everyone else can. I do feel maybe I’ve gained a little patience, just a tiny bit, and maybe some tolerance and some acceptance. I have learned to accept what I cannot change (or control). I would love to be able to see from the outside looking in what God is doing. Sometimes its hard to see unless you are on the outside looking in. Brendan took the picture I used today and it always amazes me to go back through my camera after he has a day in the yard taking pictures and see all of the beautiful things he "finds" that I would not have seen otherwise. Sometimes I think, "Wow! All of this in our own backyard!". There is so much we don't see unless we pay attention.
As I type this I got an email titled “The Power of Example”. Funny it relates to what others see in our lives and how God is working in them. Good and bad. Just to share a few points in the email:

What can people do to bear another ‘s burden.
"Some of the greatest truths in life are caught and not taught."
What are our family members, co-workers, or other associations "catching" from our actions today?
"Set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
1. Wholesome speech
2. Purpose filled life
3. Demonstrable love
4. Overcoming faith
5. God-honoring purity

I feel like I have a very long way to go, but I do see how this past year God has tried to grow me in these areas. Although I don’t always feel I am successful at some or all of these, I hope my kids are learning and hopefully can see me trying. Then we will be equipped to help a child that has probably never experienced these things to trust and find comfort in God!

Back In the Saddle!

I haven’t written lately because I had kind of put adoption in the back of my mind. We obviously weren’t going to get to share 2009 with a new child, but we still had each other as well as extended family and friends and it was just as much of a blessing to spend another year with all of them. I am very thankful. But almost as if I was on a timer as soon as it was the first Monday of the New Year I was back in adoption mode! I check my email regularly, in fact, ALL of my email accounts. I have started looking at the website more often. The prior months had been pretty dry and discouraging, but at least it APPEARS that everyone else is back in adoption mode as well. I have been making 2 or 3 submissions on different children at least every week and things look a little more promising. (minus the day I discovered the wrong homestudy had been being sent out on us which limited our chances of being picked) But hopefully that is all straightened out and we are on the road to the goal we are trying to achieve. Its not the end because we have a whole lifetime with our children, but getting him/her/ or they in our home is a major milestone. On top of everything else my new found fellow adoption friend has been matched with a little boy! I am so excited for her. She was getting so discouraged and there was not an end in sight. She was approved about 3 months before we were. Now things are hopping for her and its so exciting. I am also getting to see the process that we are approaching first hand! Say a prayer for their little family and the boy whose life may possibly be changed and blessed from now on! The boy wanted his case worker to tell the family that he is happy and is good, most of the time! *smile*
I feel like we should start getting some kind of news soon with all of the movement going on around us. Please pray for Gods wisdom for us and the case workers. And Dear God, if it could be soon, that would be a wonderful bonus!