Focusing on the Positive

Today I want to focus on the positive since the previous posts have reflected my negativity!
Our adoption is not even complete yet it has taught me so much!
Most of all, it has taught me that I can do something independent of what anyone else thinks or says. I have always been so impressionable. If anyone said anything negative about anything it affected my actions and my thoughts, regardless of how I personally felt about something. I am learning to trust my own instincts and believe in myself. No matter how many times I hear we are making a mistake or we should not adopt I am learning to listen to God, who tells me we ARE doing the right thing and we CAN do it. I used to be terrified about the what -if’s, now, I am very at peace with the whole decision. Adoption is a commitment, much the same as making the decision to become a natural birth parent. There are no guarantees even with birth children. They could have medical problems, they could be difficult teenagers, they can follow the wrong path. We pray that they won’t and raise them the best we know how. We are committed to them and love them, no matter what. Making the decision to adopt boils down to your commitment. Yes, so far things have gone smoothly with our own children and we are blessed. Some wonder why we would want to take that risk another time with the addition of more children. Are we pressing our luck? Maybe. Or maybe God prepared us with the wonderful children we have now to be able to take on more. Who knows. Our adoption may continue smoothly as well, but we are committed to handle whatever we are dealt if it does not. We believe the blessings will out- weigh the trials. It is an opportunity for our own children to learn what it means to share, show tolerance, accept, and welcome a stranger into our lives just as we were all adopted into Gods family as we are, regardless of our sins, skin color, likes, dislikes, whether we deserve it or not. We are learning to do things that may not seem “comfortable”, but to make compromises.
We have learned a lot about our friends and family as well as ourselves. I always felt like I struggled to find my place. My desire to do my part, but not being able to find that thing I was supposed to do. I volunteered at church, we were part of the praise team, we taught class, we offered ourselves in any way possible to the church looking for what we were called to do. That was not satisfying that desire. None of that was our ‘calling’. I tried helping open a daycare to provide the love and care to the children and fill a need for working parents that I was passionate about. That did not work out. I was always interested and fascinated with adoption and looked at the websites but never saw it as an obtainable goal for us. I didn't think everyone would approve and didn't think I could do it. Now, I know, this is what we are meant to do. I see adoption as a ministry. I know that adoption is not only what we can offer a child in need, but more importantly what we can learn from them and the process. God is using it to grow us. He is using it to teach us to depend on Him, trust Him and wait on Him. He is using it to teach us tolerance and acceptance. I know it’s not for everyone. Everyone has their own passions. Adoption has taken on a whole new dimension to me over the past year. It has such a deeper meaning now and I hope that everyone will be able to see adoption in a new light, in a positive light, and will step out of their comfort zone to consider something that may have just been a thought in the back of their mind before and act on it. I know I will continue to be weary and frustrated, but I know we still have so much to learn and I know that the child or children that enter our lives will continue to make an impact for many years! Good and bad!

TKO

We went to dinner with a couple of other couples Friday night that are waiting or have already adopted. That was about the last thing I have had to do with adoption since Friday. It was a nice dinner, good company and good conversation, but going into it, honestly, I didn’t even want to talk about anything that had to do with adoption. I was so mentally and physically drained. I knew I just had to get through the evening and then adoption was going to be stuffed far back in the corners of my mind, packed away. The more I think about the process the more angry I get. I think about all the childrens workers and people responsible for finding them families that are spending a nice holiday with their own families while the kids that are waiting for families to spend the holidays with are just sitting in limbo, waiting. It doesn’t seem fair that they are so unorganized and inefficient. I also know it isn’t healthy for me to have such a negative attitude, but it gets harder and harder not to. Right now, adoption has become a source of frustration and exhaustion instead of anxiousness, anticipation and joy. Are there favorites? Do case workers have families they work extra hard for? Families they like and go the extra mile for? It makes you wonder. I have been blessed to find a friend going through the same feelings and the same waiting and frustration that we are. She has been waiting a few months longer than we have. I am wondering if I can even make it as long as she has! At the moment, I don’t even want any of the case workers contacting me unless they have promising news. I know that is not the attitude I want to have, but I am defeated. I feel like we have been knocked out, gotten up, knocked out, gotten up again, over and over again until I just can’t get up anymore. Maybe once I regain my strength, my stamina, my enthusiasm; once the wall comes down and I’m not so cautious, maybe I can stand up again and fight. Fight thru the frustration, impatience, ups and downs and disappointments all the way to the end that once looked so promising and rewarding. The ending that is so hard to imagine anymore, the one that I wonder if it’s worth what it takes to get there.

My Wits End

In adoption I am learning no matter how sure you are that you cover all your bases and try to prevent disappointment or how sure you are that there is nothing that can happen…….you are WRONG. I emailed everyone I needed to email and covered all my bases to make sure our homestudy was sent out and was sure it was done, confirmed it was done and I would hear back by today like I was told. I did know there was a possibility they wouldn’t get back to me today but I was sure my homestudy was out and being reviewed. NOPE. They did contact me today like they said but it was to tell me they never got the homestudy! They got the email about my homestudy, but NO attachment!!! I never in a million years saw this coming. Shock isn’t even the word. Disbelief maybe, who knows. Will this EVER really happen??? We are back at square one with this child. The one I thought the worker was anxious to get back to us on. Obviously, it doesn’t even help for me to follow up and cover my bases. Why bother? You are completely at the mercy of when and how someone else wants to handle your situation, and IF, for that matter! They don’t tell you to expect every single step of the way that SOMETHING will not flow smoothly and that they are not exaggerating. Every step of the way some unexpected curve is thrown into the path! Right now I just want to sit back and do nothing. Just watch the advertisements and the campaigns trying to recruit and encourage more people to consider adoption while I sit, along with many others, and just WAIT. Wait for them to use the families that have already invested the time and hard work. The ones that are ready, anxious and available while they keep recruiting for more people to get in line and start the long, tiring, frustrating process of waiting months and years at their mercy. Feeling like you are being pushed down, poked, let down, and cut in front of just to see how much you can take before you break all the while dangling the beautiful picture of harmony and peace in front of your eyes just out of your reach wondering if you’ll really ever get there.

Hoping for News Soon

On our trip to Austin we got to meet the case workers that work that area. There were only a couple of kids we were interested in. One was a 5 year old girl that almost everyone there was interested in. Its not often they have a young girl ready for adoption. They are usually placed pretty quickly. So, I’m not sure if we will get a call back on her. Her case worker was not there.
The other one we inquired about was one that has caught my eye on the website many times. I never asked about her because she wasn’t what we went into this originally wanting and our case worker said we should stick with our first desire. Well, after running across her pic again and again I finally asked about her. She is 13 and was recently placed in a single mother family and quickly returned into the system. I didn’t ask anymore. I took that as a bad sign.
At the reception in Austin I noticed her name on the list and her case worker was there, so I asked about her situation. The case worker obviously had deep feelings for this girl and really hurt for her. She started to cry when telling us about her situation and the disruption in her adoption not being her fault. The more she said, the more interested I was. It almost became like a challenge for me and wanted even more to give this girl a chance. Maybe I am way too confident in our abilities and that scares me, but Mark feels the same way I do. She doesn’t sound like a bad child, just a teenage girl. I submitted our homestudy on her and the case worker seemed to be really interested in us. I am hoping the rejection and disappointment of the failed placement didn’t cause too much damage. The case worker was going to visit her in the girls home she was temporarily placed in to see where she is emotionally since this happened. I am really hoping for an update from that visit this week.. We will see!

So Close, Yet So Far

So this month is National Adoption Month. There is a big push for foster and adoptive families. I find it really frustrating when I know there are familys just sitting waiting and waiting and waiting some more. I know the majority of the people that are involved in the process truly care for the children and their futures, but somewhere there is a breakdown. I don’t understand the wait or the cost when they are begging families to consider adoption. Maybe I’m just a little frustrated, but right now that’s my feelings. People ask me all the time why it costs so much or takes so long and I honestly don’t have an answer for that. I wish I did. In the meantime, kids are waiting too. Valuable time is being lost while others are in control.
I have written before that I never imagined that we would actually be approved and waiting. I thought other people did it, but never thought we could. Now, I am finding it impossible to imagine the end. I used to be able to picture kids in our family and what it would be like, but now, I struggle to have those images. I’m feeling like maybe it won’t ever happen. I don’t want to be too old. We don’t want to put ourselves through this forever, just waiting. Yes, people say be patient, it will happen and I really want to believe that but I don’t know if I will until it is DONE. I will be 40 in May and ideally I wanted to do it by then. I thought May was plenty of time when we started this in January 09. I guess its Gods plan, not mine. I have been blessed that I have never had to deal with any kind of wait like this besides my nine month pregnancies, and even then, I could see the end. I thought I would go crazy when Ally was 11 days past her due date. Wow, and look now. So close, yet so far. This is such a huge test for me. Sometimes, well a lot of time, I just feel defeated, drained and helpless. Or I am just exhausted from fighting those feelings. Its like voluntarily putting yourself through some sort of torture that you have no control over except to choose to go thru it.
I try not to gripe and complain all the time, but unless you go through it, its hard to expect others to understand the feelings. Some don’t understand why I am so stressed about it and actually I think men handle it better. It is nice to have other women who are going through it to gripe back and forth to so we don’t drive our husbands and friends crazy, but sometimes we have to remember to encourage each other too or we bring each other down further. I have wonderful, wonderful friends and family who have been so very understanding and supportive though and I am so thankful they have put up with me. I bet they are all just as anxious to get this done as I am so I will shut up! LOL.