Staffing Day #1

Just so I have it down in the history books today is our first staffing. Five months since our approval. This means the case workers of two other families that have been chosen will sit down with the childs case worker and discuss each family and the child in order to come to a final decision on one family. We are one of the three families to be discussed. I don’t know how long it will be before they let us know who they have chosen. More waiting, but this is a step we have not gotten to yet. Todays staffing is for a 10 year old girl. We don’t know much more than that yet. I will write more once we hear how the meeting went !

Warning! Whining Ahead......

I don't like writing when I'm bummed, but this is my only outlet. So, if you don't want to hear me whine feel free to stop reading now! *smile*
I keep reminding myself of the saying above "Beautiful thoughts and positive emotions are what makes miracles"...
I am just so exhausted. Mentally. I really want to hear some news. Its so hard to just sit and wait. I want to pick up the phone and ask the agency if they have heard ANYTHING and remind them I am here. But I know they haven't and I know they will let me know as soon as they have news. So I revert back to just waiting, keeping it all inside, trying to be patient, trying to cover up my exhaustion. I check my email, check the adoption website and rarely see anything different. Occasionally, I catch a new child that I submit us on or get an email saying they recieved our homestudy and will contact us if we are selected. Besides that, not much else. I sit here in my own thoughts because I don't want to burden anyone else with my needless impatience. I also do not look forward to Waiting Part II once we are matched. Its a different kind of wait, but wait none the less. I just feel so defeated and so tired. I am ready to see an end in sight or even sometimes... ready to just quit all together and not worry about it anymore. I feel like I am wasting precious time and not being all I can be for my friends and family now, but I try to hide it and muddle through like usual. Its hard to just relax. I mean its really not THAT bad right? Could be lots worse. Its just waiting, for something you have wanted really badly, for so long! Yes, even now I still wonder if we are doing the right thing. If we made the right decision, but HOW can it be wrong? Are we too old? Are we past that stage in life? I feel like the process is adding years to my life as I speak and I know that isn't good. I don't know how any normal person can completely put it on the back burner and not be anxious or impatient or not think about it most waking hours. How do you control such a strong desire? I don't think you can. Yes, I know its in God's hands and I try, daily, to let God's timing be my peace, but its a daily, hourly, moment by moment struggle. I do trust Him and I know when I look back some day that His plan will be obvious, but WOW, getting to that point is so incredibly hard! I am very thankful to have support of family and friends going thru the process themselves. I don't know how I could continue on without that. They encourage me to press on!! I hope and pray we hear something SOON!

Learning, Growing and still Waiting!

Still waiting……..! I thought I really had it under control now, but I’m realizing I think it was the holidays that helped me put adoption on the back burner for a while. It felt good not anticipating an email or a call from the case workers. It was nice not to feel the need to get online and check the adoption website hourly, at least! Sometimes kids will appear for an hour or so and then disappear after that because of the large response they get. It felt good not to get discouraged every afternoon if I didn’t hear anything. I felt like I was whole and together for a couple of months after being in a fog for the better part of 2009! *SIGH*!!!!! I’m trying not to fall back into that funk, but I feel myself slipping. I need to find a hobby or something to occupy my time. Its got to be a cheap hobby, so that counts a lot out. Working out seems to keep coming up, but I am REALLY having a hard time getting motivated to do THAT!! Now that the holidays are over its back to real life. The bills, the routine, the car problems, homework, cooking, cleaning, blah! So it gives me lots of time to just “think”. It’s probably a good time to go home and dig all of the unfinished hobbies back out and start completing some of them!
I’ve been told that God is really changing and growing us through this process. I wish I could see it like everyone else can. I do feel maybe I’ve gained a little patience, just a tiny bit, and maybe some tolerance and some acceptance. I have learned to accept what I cannot change (or control). I would love to be able to see from the outside looking in what God is doing. Sometimes its hard to see unless you are on the outside looking in. Brendan took the picture I used today and it always amazes me to go back through my camera after he has a day in the yard taking pictures and see all of the beautiful things he "finds" that I would not have seen otherwise. Sometimes I think, "Wow! All of this in our own backyard!". There is so much we don't see unless we pay attention.
As I type this I got an email titled “The Power of Example”. Funny it relates to what others see in our lives and how God is working in them. Good and bad. Just to share a few points in the email:

What can people do to bear another ‘s burden.
"Some of the greatest truths in life are caught and not taught."
What are our family members, co-workers, or other associations "catching" from our actions today?
"Set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
1. Wholesome speech
2. Purpose filled life
3. Demonstrable love
4. Overcoming faith
5. God-honoring purity

I feel like I have a very long way to go, but I do see how this past year God has tried to grow me in these areas. Although I don’t always feel I am successful at some or all of these, I hope my kids are learning and hopefully can see me trying. Then we will be equipped to help a child that has probably never experienced these things to trust and find comfort in God!

Back In the Saddle!

I haven’t written lately because I had kind of put adoption in the back of my mind. We obviously weren’t going to get to share 2009 with a new child, but we still had each other as well as extended family and friends and it was just as much of a blessing to spend another year with all of them. I am very thankful. But almost as if I was on a timer as soon as it was the first Monday of the New Year I was back in adoption mode! I check my email regularly, in fact, ALL of my email accounts. I have started looking at the website more often. The prior months had been pretty dry and discouraging, but at least it APPEARS that everyone else is back in adoption mode as well. I have been making 2 or 3 submissions on different children at least every week and things look a little more promising. (minus the day I discovered the wrong homestudy had been being sent out on us which limited our chances of being picked) But hopefully that is all straightened out and we are on the road to the goal we are trying to achieve. Its not the end because we have a whole lifetime with our children, but getting him/her/ or they in our home is a major milestone. On top of everything else my new found fellow adoption friend has been matched with a little boy! I am so excited for her. She was getting so discouraged and there was not an end in sight. She was approved about 3 months before we were. Now things are hopping for her and its so exciting. I am also getting to see the process that we are approaching first hand! Say a prayer for their little family and the boy whose life may possibly be changed and blessed from now on! The boy wanted his case worker to tell the family that he is happy and is good, most of the time! *smile*
I feel like we should start getting some kind of news soon with all of the movement going on around us. Please pray for Gods wisdom for us and the case workers. And Dear God, if it could be soon, that would be a wonderful bonus!